Thankfulness

Because I cried during the total composition of my prior post and have been frequently teary since, I decided I needed to get in a better frame of mind. So, I am dwelling on what I am thankful for:

My whole family - the one I have now and the ones in Heaven who have influenced me in the past and their teachings & love STILL influence me

My friends

My fellow BLMs who are in a whole different category of "friends"

My Saviour

Prayer

A sweet baby girl who first made me a Mother

Doctors who give samples of expensive medications

Air conditioning

Clean water

The Bible

There is so much for which I am grateful - I will save more for other times.

Wondering....

I was wondering last night and thinking about who would take care of Meredith's grave when I am gone. I know I will be with her in Heaven but I don't want her grave to look lonely. She is buried 100 miles from us, in a lovely small cemetery in the town where I was raised. It is where we will be buried. What bothers me is there is a vase on her tombstone. I don't want the vase to be empty. I feel like I will go first because of all the health problems I have. So last night I told my husband when I pass away for him to either buy her a new stone without a vase or remove the vase and have an angel put in its place. He said I can come up with some of the weirdest things to worry about. Of course, while I was talking to him I cried and he doesn't like to see me upset. After all these years, I cannot bring her up to him without tears coming to my eyes, my throat tightening and reliving seeing her struggle through the windows of that nursery. He and I lived the horror of our first child's death. He had to go to pick out her casket without me. We had to make decisions about where to put her and I wanted her by my grandmother.

Now, I know I have three children. The girls would gladly put out flowers for me, but I don't want them to have to drive that far to do it. For this reason, I don't want a vase on my own tombstone. My son - I don't think he would. My brother doesn't like to visit the cemetery much. Cemeteries are usually "done " by the women of the family. My husband said he would see to the care of her grave, but what to do after he is gone? I have two wonderful cousins who have helped out in placing flowers for me, but I don't want to leave that job with them.

As long as I can, I want my personal touches on Meredith's grave. I want to fill her vase myself. I don't want her grave to look lonely. For nearly 37 years tending her grave has been the only way I could "hold" her, in a sense - the only way I could do things for her. I miss her so much.

Surprise Flowers For Meredith & An Honor From Shauna

July 4th weekend, we went to East Texas to have dinner and fireworks with my brother and his wife. He lives in the house where we grew up, the house Mother and Dad built in the 1930s. It has been remodeled several times and the small board house is now a larger bricked one. Meredith is buried in the cemetery at "home" right next to my maternal grandmother. I take her new artificial flowers when I go. This time, there was a surprise at her grave - a small nosegay of fresh orange and green blossoms. There was one like it for my great nephew who is buried next to her. The green flowers were tiny, exotic cymbidian orchids. I was thrilled that someone remembered Meredith & Joshua and asked all the family members who had placed the flowers. No one in our family did and the benefactor remains a mystery. I am very thankful to this person who lifted a mother's heart.

The first picture above was made by Shauna who has the blog "Pinwheels From Heaven." Shauna has made pinwheel and balloon pictures for Meredith that I need to post soon. She honored me by mentioning my name in her blog with the lamb picture. Shauna, I LOVE lambs!They remind me of innocence and sweetness, of Jesus, the Lamb of God and the Great Shepherd. Thank you for associating my name with a lamb!

The angel picture reminds me of our girls in Heaven - Meredith and Shauna's babies Janessa and Hope. Someday we will get to see and hold our babies.

If I Were Rich...

I get lots of catalogues and love to shop with my daughters. These days, a lot of it is window shopping, though. All the time I see items that remind me of your babies. Lots of ladybug items for the garden, angels, bears, frogs, butterflies, dragonflies, hummingbirds and other things that blogging Moms have mentioned. They can be on lovely jeweled cloissone boxes, garden flags, jewelry, small statuary, blown glass - the items are endless. If I were rich, I would carefully choose a gift for each of you grieving Moms. I would wrap it beautifully and send it to you. But I'm not rich, so just know that often I think of your babies when I see a remembrance of your child. All of you Moms are very often on my mind, in my heart, and in my prayers.

What I can do right now is make you a FREE memorial scrapbook tag for your baby. One Mom called hers an "Angel tag."

I have rested up from making the last batch, so please send me your information and spread the word to others.

I will need:

baby's name and dates

colors you like

something that may remind you of your child

an address to mail the tag to.

Please email me the info - sboyette@tx.rr.com

Blessings to you all as you travel your journey of child loss.

You Made Me A Mother

The world may never notice

If a snowdrop doesn't bloom,

Or even pause to wonder

If the petals fall too soon.

But every life that ever forms

Or ever comes to be,

Touches the world in some small way

For all eternity.

The little one we longed for

Was swiftly here and gone

But the love that was then planted

Is a light that still shines on.

And though our arms are empty,

Our heart knows what to do.

Every beating of our hearts

Says that we do love you.

- Author Unknown

Meredith, you made me a Mother. I was blessed to have three other babies, but I will never forget you, my first. xoxo

Meredith's Birthday Pictures From October

Three balloons Stan & I released for Meredith

Twin #2 Angie, her boyfriend Charlie, his children, Hubby and me

Three candles, one for each day of her life

Twin #1 Amanda & her daughter Morgan

My niece Charmaine & her fiance, Mike

Our son Adam, his wife Sarah & children

Sweet gift from Bree, mother to an angel, Ella, and a ladybug, Miss Nora

The Princess Castle pinata

Angel fom my dear friend, Rita, mother to baby Krystal, in Heaven since 1972

Darling bear from Heather and her angel, Madelyn. Heather has since been blessed with a son, Liam

This tablecloth belonged to my mother, who would be 101 if she were still here

Roses for our One Perfect Rose. One day soon I want to post the story I wrote about her that has this title.

I may have mentioned before that procrastination is one of my vices. I don't drink, I don't smoke, but I tend to put things off. My daughter took pictures of Meredith's birthday party on October 3rd of last year and she loaded them onto my computer a while back. So friends, I now share with you the photos from our baby's first ever Celebration of Life, even though I did a horrible job of loading them - totally out of order. These aren't all the pictures, just the highlights. We took our son & two daughters plus their families to Outback Steakhouse. I also invited my niece and her fiance. Then we went to our daughters ' house and had cake, a princess pinata for the children, and a balloon release. Stan & I released the three balloons in the sky that you see pictured - one for each day of her earthly life.

I took one of the vintage baby planters that I collect to the store where we ordered the cake as they had a nice floral shop, too. The sweet lady I spoke with didn't have a very good command of the English language and apparently misunderstood what I wanted. Therefore, the flowers are very short in the planter! It didn't really matter - I've learned there are a lots worse things to worry about. There was a special celestial sighting that night so my son set up the telescope. I can't remember what it was. We had a wonderful time, one of the highlights of my life. Angie said she had not seen me smile that much in a long time.

Still Offering Free Tags for BLMs

My sweet friend Twyla from Two Crazy Crafters just put this lamb on her blog so I borrowed it because it reminds me of our precious babies, so innocent and new. If anyone came across my blog and isn't familiar with the term "BLM" I thought I should explain. "BLM" stands for Baby Loss Moms. BLMs have helped me so much in my grief journey and I want to give back to this community. My daughter Angie and I have shopped Joann's, the Hallmark store for stickers, Walmart, Dollar Tree, Michael's, and other places for my supplies. I have sent out several tags and am ready to make more. Please refer to the previous post for the pertinent information I need. Sending love to all of you!