Missing You

Oh, Meredith, sometimes I look at your blog just to see your picture on the screen. I have so many things to write about but I just can't some days. I miss you - you made my first dream come true, that of being a mother. I will always miss you. You were, and will forever be, a big part of my world. Thank you, Lord, for sending us this precious piece of humanity.

(Thank you, Kristie, for this lovely collage. it warmed my heart!)

Prayers and a Tiny White Coffin

I was watching the news yesterday, viewing the disaster in Brazil. These past few days there have been floodings in Australia and other countries, a tragic shooting in Arizona, mudslides in Brazil, and myriads of other tragedies on a much smaller scale. When I turned on the TV, a picture of a man from Brazil was on the screen. He was holding the tinest snow white coffin. It must have been 18 inches long, maybe a bit longer, but not much. The announcer was saying, "...and even babies have been caught up in the floods."
I prayed immediately for these parents, for I know the pain of child loss. I prayed for the thousands of others who have lost so much, or all they had, this week. My finite mind cannot understand such pain, but I can pray for these people.
And, I can change my thinking.
When I need to do a household chore, I will forget that my back hurts, do it, and thank God I have a home to attend to.
When I pay for a medical bill, instead of complaining that insurance should have paid more, I will gladly write the check and thank God I have medical care and health insurance.
When I get a glass of tap water and think bottled would taste better , I will thank God I have water at all, and clean water at that.
When I have a peanut butter sandwich and wish I felt well enough to make a home cooked meal, I will thank God I have something to eat, period.
I am so spoiled. I have SO much, and need to fully appreciate what I do have.
Yes, I have buried a child, but I will remember the other man the announcer mentioned - the one who lost all four of his children, had to dig each out of the mudslide, and walked for miles to take each to be buried.
Lord, I thank you immensely for everything I have. I can't do much for these people of tragic circumstances, but I can pray for them and I promise to do that faithfully.

Christmas Gifts & The Tree Is Up! (no pics yet)

First of all, there are no pictures of the tree yet, but believe me, it is beautiful! Imagine a pink frosted tree with white lights and ornaments in all shades of pink with some blue accents. I was going to set it on the lovely baby afghan I bought from my friend Twyla, but I have had occasion to give that afghan as a baby gift and I used another pink, blue, and white crocheted blanket I had. Meredith has a pretty handsewn stocking bought from Etsy that is made of vintage materials - matches the tree perfectly! My daughter and I just finished it tonight. Meredith has a few cute red ornaments given to her that I have placed on our regular Christmas tree.
Most of these things above were made by BLMs for Meredith. There are two pictures of her Christmas Treasure Bean painted by Casey. There is no charge for the picture, and you can choose to buy the pebble and "bring it home", as she calls it. I have two pebbles painted by her that I have brought home.

The Name in the Stars was done by a mother named Amanda. I have had it for a while, but I saved it for Christmas because it reminds me of the Star that revealed where the Christ Child lay. The angels picture is a copy of a vintage Christmas card that was shared by a blogger.

My sweet friend Caroline made the red picture with the little Morehead angels on it. I have always loved the art of the Moreheads, especially their angels. Caroline has four children and two little children awaiting her in Heaven. she is a wonderful mother to all her children.

The cute bell was made by Trena, another sweet friend. Trena has two daughters and sadly watched her twin sons fly home to Jesus just a few months ago. Trena is making the best of the situation and is trying to look forward. I know how hard that can be.

A sweet lady on Facebook made the blue star for me. I feel so fortunate to have these gifts for Meredith and also want to thank the bloggers who have free images to share. That is a gift within itself. I hope someone takes a picture of the Christmas tree for me - soon!

Merry Christmas!

Loving an Adult Rainbow Child

I am very proud of my three Rainbows - a boy and twin girls. They are such wonderful children. Yes, like all children and parents we may have differences of opinions on some issues, but we agree to disagree and go on with our close relationships.
Last night, we were invited to our son's house to celebrate hubby's birthday. DIL cooked a great meal and the grandchildren made Christmas crafts after dinner. The house was decorated inside and out for Christmas and a fire was roaring in the fireplace.
But when we arrived and my 32 year old son met us at the car, he reached in and hugged me, and I had to cry. It felt like I was propelled back into time and was holding his long 8 pound, 10 ounce, frame for the first time once again. It felt like his body melded into my arms like it did when he was an infant. I told him again how he had soothed my heart after Meredith died. No, he did not take her place, but he filled a huge void.
Every day, I thank God for the children He sent to me - a son and three daughters, one of whom lives with the Lord Himself. Thank you Lord for my three precious Rainbows.

An Unexpected Depression

I was so happy in the days leading up to Meredith's birthday. The planning, the thoughts that we were doing something for her - I seemed filled with a new purpose for a while. Then the party itself was a beautiful time of commemoration of her brief life. After the party I seemed to have an inner glow for several days. Then I heard that two close family members had negative things to say about our having a celebration of life for her. That hurt, but I worked through it. Then, I started to feel extremely depressed again. Tears flowed easily and most times just out of the blue. Commercials on TV made me cry. Hallmark Channel movies that I usually love were hard to watch. A bit on the news about poor people lined up in Dallas to receive free turkeys brought me to tears and I could not be consoled by my husband. He was at a loss as to how to help me. Then, I remembered. Her due date, a date I have never really thought about a lot except the first year. I've never really mourned that day much - November 22, 1974. That first November 22, my "well-meaning" pastor had already secured me a job to help with our medical bills. I was a clerk in a discount store, my first job. I remember a pregnant woman coming through my line that day and mentioning that she was due. I don't remember if I told her about my baby - I probably didn't out of concern for her feelings. Then I checked out a woman who mentioned that her little son died of cancer that year and they were especially missing him because the holidays were approaching. I told her about Meredith and we both cried, the customer and the clerk, in the checkout line. I remember exactly what I was wearing. I don't remember anyone else mourning with us that year.

This November 22 has come and gone, and I shed thousands of tears for a little girl who left too soon during these last few weeks. My first little girl, my precious Meredith. I didn't consciously think of her due date, but my mind knew. This has happened some over the years - it's amazing what ones mind can do. Even if she couldn't stay, I am very thankful for her, our precious daughter.

*I want to thank Trena for the beautiful Thanksgiving picture. Trena has two lovely little girls and is the mother to twin angel boys.

Happy Halloween!

These two autumn pictures made me smile! Thank you Maggie, Alexandra Grace's mommy, for the cute pumpkin. And thank you Sandie, Jessica's mommy, for the cute scarecrow picture. It makes my heart melt to see my baby's name. Happy Halloween/ Happy Fall to everyone!

Meredith's Birthday

We had a very nice time on Meredith's birthday, October 3rd. She would have been 36 years old if she were here. I miss her, but I have no doubt that she has been basking in Heaven's Glory all these years. I just feel so fortunate to have assurance in my beliefs of Heaven.

Meredith got many sweet remembrances in the form of cards, blog pictures, gifts, and several random acts of kindness. The first lovely gift here is from my friends Twyla & Lindsey, who blog at Two Crazy Crafters. They collect vintage cards. The next one is from Kathy, of Kathy's Crochet Cabin. Kathy crochets and sews infant bereavement sets for hospitals. Crystal Theresa and Louie made the cupcake in memory of their Calvin and Rainbow baby. There are others who I don't want to leave out in thanking them - I will try to do that soon.

There were 14 of us who ate at Outback Steakhouse. My family is collectively picky, but Outback always has something for everyone. Then we went to my twin daughters' house. They live across the street from us. Several years ago they decided to buy a house together and we are thrilled they are so close to us. They had the house decorated so pretty with pink silk rose petals, pink ribbon roses, pink ribbons, pink balloons, and tiny pink baby flowers arranged in one of the vintage baby planters I collect. We had punch in the punchbowl my husband bought me for Christmas in 1977. My girls used the sweet teddy bear from Heather, a pink angel from Rita, and a pretty Christmas ornament from Bree on the table. Earlier, we had picked out a cake with pink roses on it. I blew out three candles, signifying her three days of life.

Another decoration used that was significant to me was my Mother's ecru lace tablecloth. It is at least 40 years old. Mother got it from the Watkin's man, a door to door salesman, as a prize for buying so much from him. Mr. Grady Dowell was our Watkin's man for as long as I can remember. He sold spices and ointments, among other things. Mother always bought his vanilla and black pepper, as well as greeting cards from the Sunshine Line. These cards nearly always had a scripture on them.

Because I have very young grandchildren, I chose not to talk about our baby who had passed away. We adults knew why we had gathered. We just ate, had cake, and fellowshipped together as a family. I bought a princess pinata for the children, a pull string type, and I pulled the strings for them. Each child also got a bag of gifts. Later, we had a balloon release. My son got out my granddaughter Morgan's telescope and found Jupiter and its four moons for us to view.

It was a lovely night. I'm glad I had the celebration and I appreciate anyone who helped in any way. I don't have a digital camera, but someone took photos, so I hope I have some soon!