Returning From Battle

I feel like I have lost seven months of my life. I looked at Meredith's ticker tonight and it has been over seven months since her birthday. That is when my downward slide began. In October, I became a bit more depressed than usual. As the cold weather started, I became more blue. Then right after Christmas a family member hurt me so badly. It was not about babyloss, it was another matter, but I cried for days and days. Sometimes still, tears come to my eyes when I think about it. This is a person that I love and I know it was not done intentionally, but I was hurt nonetheless. It hurts to see this person and remember her words. For months I have been paralyzed with depression. The doctor wants me to take more medication and I refuse. (That is usually the first thing he thinks of.) I've taken lots of medication before and I don't want to go back to having more. He wants me to see a counselor and I refuse. Some sadnesses of life are just meant to be and starting over, telling your story again to a stranger, does not sound good to me right now. I don't know why when Meredith died in 1974 that depression had to emerge so strongly and eventually overtake my life. I just want to be well. Would you please pray for me or send good thoughts my way?  I have missed my BLM friends so much. I couldn't even face IBMD yesterday. It hurts to be on Facebook or even look at blogs for very long. The things that I used to love seem foreign to me now. Please know that I have not forgotten you, my friends.

I Haven't Forgotten You

Sweet baby girl, I posted about your birthday and I have been kind of in a fog ever since. Why your birthday hit me so hard, I don't know. I guess that is the way depression works - there is no rhyme or reason for the waterfalls of grief that can come pounding over the rocks of our hearts.
For your actual birthday, your twin sisters took us to Commerce, Texas. It is a small east Texas college town. Without the college, there would not be much of a town. It is where Dad and I met at the Baptist Student Union, where he told me that same night that he would be marrying me some day. The same town where we did live after we married, the town where we lived when you were conceived. It is a place I very much connect to you. It's strange, but the town doesn't look much different than it did when I first saw it in 1973. We drove around and looked at the places where we lived, the places where we dined, the stores we frequented, the college buildings where we attended classes. The five & dimes I loved so much were closed down. The movie theater was something else now. We released pink balloons for you and bought ice cream. I saved the receipt as a memento from your birthday. Your sisters and our granddaughter went into a couple of thrift stores to look around and then we left to go back to the metroplex to find an Outback Steakhouse. That is where we ate to help celebrate you. I have to admit that everyone we invited last year to your party was not invited this year. We don't love those people any less but they didn't understand our need to celebrate you. It was a good day, and after that I began to miss you so much - so very much. The days rolled into weeks and then months. Christmas came and I still felt bereft. Then after Christmas, someone hurt my feelings very badly. But I will survive and soon I will begin to feel better. Baby girl, I just wanted to say that I love you so much and miss you.

"One Perfect Rosebud" - A Memoir & PRIZE WINNERS LISTED ON PREVIOUS POST

(Written October 3, 1997 - This was just after I had found a counselor who started to help me with my grief. My actual grief journey continued on for many years)

We are confident, I say, and willing rather to be absent from the body, and to be present with the Lord.

II Corinthians 5:8

We placed one perfect pink rosebud on your grave today, your Dad and I. I know you aren't there so I guess the rosebud was more for us. It's a symbol of your newness, your perfection, your petal-soft skin, and your sweet little rosebud mouth. Twenty-three years ago these words described you. But because you were a rosebud who bloomed too soon we couldn't keep you. Your petals were scattered to the wind to be returned to the earth from whence they came. Driving back home tonight, I looked up at the thinly slivered new moon, veiled by Venus, and wondered where in that great expanse of the universe Heaven really is. I know you are there in God's everlasting shining presence, in a light so bright that we earthlings would be blinded by it. You are surrounded by angels and God. I miss you, but I now have a peace about your death, somewhat. With gratitude, Meredith, I let you go. Gratitude that you are in a perfect Presence, that you are not lonely and frightened and separated and in pain as when you were alive. Gratitude that you were once ours. We relinquished you to our Maker. You see, His garden was not complete, and He makes the decision as to what flowers He needs. He needed you, that little rosebud that bloomed too soon. We are all part of His wonderful plan.

When I went to buy flowers for your grave yesterday, I wanted pink roses. On that long ago day when we surrendered your body to the earth, I had wanted roses to envelop your grave. But the turn of events was such that we had to choose carnations instead. So, over two decades later I had never given you the roses I wanted for you. I went to the store to get a bouquet of pink roses but the ones available were not perfect, and I wanted perfection for you. At the next stop I made, the florist had no pink roses, only red ones. As I thanked her and turned to leave, she called me back. She remembered she did have a pink rose, one pink rose in a vase, so she reached to the back of the cooler and produced it - one perfect pink rosebud, just like you. It was just what I had wanted and I didn't even realize it until I looked upon its graceful perfection.

So, baby Meredith, on your birthday we gave you one perfect rosebud, and in giving that to you, I, myself, gave you something I have never been able to give you - an acceptance of your short life, of my memories of you, of our loss. I send you love and hugs and kisses as I have before. I send to you joy and beauty, my peace and my happiness. I send you my heart, precious baby, cocooned within the petals of one perfect, pink rosebud.

Reminder: Giveaway For Meredith's Birthday - WINNERS

I failed to put a time that I would draw for winners, so I will leave it open until her birthday which is October 3. I will draw names the next day. ( Comment on previous post, please, to enter).

WINNERS October 4 - (I wrote all your names on pieces of paper and drew the old fashioned way. Because so many people wanted the Forget Me Not figure, I gave away the one I ordered for myself, too. I wish I had one for all of you. Each of you who entered will be getting a little remembrance from me.)
Book - Crystal Theresa
FMN figure - Brigitte
FMN figure - Shauna
Calendar - Mary Yee
Calendar - Trennia
Birthday Calendar - Caroline
Birthday Calendar - Heather

Thank you all so much for celebrating Meredith's birthday with me! I thought it was really unusual that the two ladies who won the Willow Tree figures live in the same town in the same state! That was just random chances! What are the mathematical odds??? I will be contacting those of you for whom I don't have your address. (((HUGS)))

MARIA - please email me at sboyette@tx.rr.com. I do not have your address to send you a little remembrance gift.

A Giveaway For Meredith's Birthday

In two weeks, on October 3, it will be Meredith's birthday and I wanted to share my love for all of you by having a giveaway. There are no hoops to go through, all you have to do is comment on this post. I have several things to give away and in your comment, please mention what you would like to have a chance to win - all the items or specific items. Please also leave your email address. Anyone can enter - this is not only for BLMs. If you live outside of the U.S., please don't hesitate to enter. I don't mind shipping internationally.

The first item is the Willow Tree "Forget-me -Not" figurine. I have wanted this for so long and everytime I go to the Hallmark store, they are out of them. I finally ordered two, one for a winner and one for me.

Secondly, there is a birthday calendar. I have some similar ones and that is how I keep up with the birthdays of our baby angels. I keep a separate one for friends and family members.

The next giveaway item is a calendar by the Moreheads. They have been drawing children and angels for a number of years and I usually get one of their calendars for Christmas. After the year is over, I use the cute pictures in scrapbooking for my grandchildren.

Lastly, I am giving away my copy of "They Were Still Born."

Please remember our little girl on her birthday in some way by just thinking of her, doing a kindness for someone in her name, or however you choose.

Thankfulness

To add to the things I was thankful for previously:

My humble home, small as it is. So many people are homeless...

The Promise of Heaven

A wonderful Labor Day party yesterday at the home of our son

Books - I LOVE books! Wanted to be a librarian but never finished the coursework. Life stood in the way, so I was the next best thing - a teacher.

A full refrigerator & pantry

Our pets - a Pomeranian, a chihuahua/dachshund, and a beautiful soft black & white kitty

Summer fruit

Fresh scrapbooking materials

Little gifts I find on sale that make my grandchildren happy

This is a huge one - my recovery from septic shock in 2008. From what I have read and viewed on medical shows since then, I know that many people do not recover from this illness. I thank God every day for my life.

"Our Story"

Although I have had this blog for over a year, I had never posted an abbreviated "Our Story" on the header. I have now so that new readers or someone who is just visiting can get a glimpse of Meredith's story.