Meredith's Beginning - Part Four- Brokenhearted

I might have been rushed out of the hospital that day, but Dr. D made sure before I left that he gave my husband a prescription for valium for me with strict instructions to get it filled and make me take them as directed. Now I am a person who has never drank, except for a few tastes which I didn't like, and I never liked having "laughing gas" at the dentist's office. I preferred to have all my mental faculties with me. I hated the way the shot of sedatives in the hospital made me feel, and I hated taking the valium. I hated the way it clouded my thoughts. But the doctor seemed to think I would have complications if I wasn't sedated, so I did what my hubby asked. We were from the generation that didn't question authority and doctors were authority. My poor husband had no idea what to do other than what he was told. He had lost his baby, too, yet he was ultra worried about me. We were in total shock.
Some people in our church had just found out that Sunday morning that our baby had been born and then died. In the midst of my grief, I felt a sense of happiness that, if Meredith couldn't stay with us, she went to Heaven on Sunday. Friends and family started arriving after church to give their condolences. Food started to arrive. In this community, in this day and age, delicious homemade food was one of the foremost sympathy gifts. Normally, I would have loved it, but I couldn't eat.It all tasted like sawdust to me. People reached out to us that day and that night at church, a love offering was taken to help with Meredith's funeral. We received nearly all the money we needed.
Hubby had to go to the funeral home to make the arrangements, for she was said to be too small to embalm and we needed to have the funeral the next day. He picked out a tiny white casket. I wanted to go so badly to help, but no one would let me go. Apparently doctor's orders; however, the doctor had never told me this. I began to feel as if everyone knew something I didn't know.
Then there was the matter of something to dress our little girl in. I didn't have much for her, partly because I had dilated early and couldn't shop, and partly because we didn't have much money in our budget to begin with. I had a dozen diapers, four ducky shaped diaper pins, pink booties and a few little sleepers. Oh, and I had a Humpty Dumpty light switch plate made by Irmi. At that time in Texas, "Blue Laws" were in effect, and clothing stores were closed on Sunday. Grocery stores were open, but could only sell food. One could buy a can of soup, but not a bowl to put in it. The job fell upon my sister in law to shop for us. She worked for a department store in town, and received permission from the manager of the store to go in and bring some things home for me to choose from. She asked what I wanted and I told her I would like something pink. Choosing the smallest things she could find, as preemie clothes weren't made then, she brought them back to me. I only remember a pink sleeper and a white dress, but there were other choices that I can't recall. I chose the white dress, gave her one of the diapers and two pins, and the pink booties I had bought months ago at a five & dime store. She also brought a pink shawl type blanket, as the funeral director said he could fold the blanket in such a way as to hide the autopsy incision. I remember giving her $20.00 for the items.
I was in such a fog that I couldn't think. The funeral was set for Monday, October 7th. I had not gotten to hold my baby, see her face to face, or comfort her as she passed away. All I knew is that we were devastated.