Saturday, November 27, 2010

An Unexpected Depression

I was so happy in the days leading up to Meredith's birthday. The planning, the thoughts that we were doing something for her - I seemed filled with a new purpose for a while. Then the party itself was a beautiful time of commemoration of her brief life. After the party I seemed to have an inner glow for several days. Then I heard that two close family members had negative things to say about our having a celebration of life for her. That hurt, but I worked through it. Then, I started to feel extremely depressed again. Tears flowed easily and most times just out of the blue. Commercials on TV made me cry. Hallmark Channel movies that I usually love were hard to watch. A bit on the news about poor people lined up in Dallas to receive free turkeys brought me to tears and I could not be consoled by my husband. He was at a loss as to how to help me. Then, I remembered. Her due date, a date I have never really thought about a lot except the first year. I've never really mourned that day much - November 22, 1974. That first November 22, my "well-meaning" pastor had already secured me a job to help with our medical bills. I was a clerk in a discount store, my first job. I remember a pregnant woman coming through my line that day and mentioning that she was due. I don't remember if I told her about my baby - I probably didn't out of concern for her feelings. Then I checked out a woman who mentioned that her little son died of cancer that year and they were especially missing him because the holidays were approaching. I told her about Meredith and we both cried, the customer and the clerk, in the checkout line. I remember exactly what I was wearing. I don't remember anyone else mourning with us that year.
This November 22 has come and gone, and I shed thousands of tears for a little girl who left too soon during these last few weeks. My first little girl, my precious Meredith. I didn't consciously think of her due date, but my mind knew. This has happened some over the years - it's amazing what ones mind can do. Even if she couldn't stay, I am very thankful for her, our precious daughter.
*I want to thank Trena for the beautiful Thanksgiving picture. Trena has two lovely little girls and is the mother to twin angel boys.