Saturday, November 27, 2010

An Unexpected Depression


I was so happy in the days leading up to Meredith's birthday. The planning, the thoughts that we were doing something for her - I seemed filled with a new purpose for a while. Then the party itself was a beautiful time of commemoration of her brief life. After the party I seemed to have an inner glow for several days. Then I heard that two close family members had negative things to say about our having a celebration of life for her. That hurt, but I worked through it. Then, I started to feel extremely depressed again. Tears flowed easily and most times just out of the blue. Commercials on TV made me cry. Hallmark Channel movies that I usually love were hard to watch. A bit on the news about poor people lined up in Dallas to receive free turkeys brought me to tears and I could not be consoled by my husband. He was at a loss as to how to help me. Then, I remembered. Her due date, a date I have never really thought about a lot except the first year. I've never really mourned that day much - November 22, 1974. That first November 22, my "well-meaning" pastor had already secured me a job to help with our medical bills. I was a clerk in a discount store, my first job. I remember a pregnant woman coming through my line that day and mentioning that she was due. I don't remember if I told her about my baby - I probably didn't out of concern for her feelings. Then I checked out a woman who mentioned that her little son died of cancer that year and they were especially missing him because the holidays were approaching. I told her about Meredith and we both cried, the customer and the clerk, in the checkout line. I remember exactly what I was wearing. I don't remember anyone else mourning with us that year.
This November 22 has come and gone, and I shed thousands of tears for a little girl who left too soon during these last few weeks. My first little girl, my precious Meredith. I didn't consciously think of her due date, but my mind knew. This has happened some over the years - it's amazing what ones mind can do. Even if she couldn't stay, I am very thankful for her, our precious daughter.
*I want to thank Trena for the beautiful Thanksgiving picture. Trena has two lovely little girls and is the mother to twin angel boys.

9 comments:

Elizabeth Mahlou said...

I think you have a right to commemorate the life of your daughter however you want. And I think you have a right to your tears. God bless you and your little angel.

croleyc69 said...

I'm so sorry that someone had to say some negative things. I know it hurts but everyone does things differently. That's why we are all so neat. I know I don't have any set time I cry I just do. Something out of the blue will just do it. This time of year is tough for anyone. Remembering Meredith and you always , in my heart. <3 <3

Love you
Caroline

Holly said...

That's awful that people felt led to say negative things. Why can't people learn to keep stuff like that to themselves and not be hurtful? I'm sorry! ((hug))

heathermohr said...

I'm so sorry people said negative things - I can't even imagine why they would do such a thing. If people don't have anything nice to say they should keep their mouths shut! Thinking of you. (((hugs)))

Debby@Just Breathe said...

I am so sorry. Wish I could come over and sit with you. ((HUGS)) Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

Mackenzie's Mommy said...

I'm so sorry that November 22 was such a hard day for you. Grief is unbelievable in how it can manifest itself and rear it's ugly head when you didn't even think you were sad. Nov 22 is Paisley's birthday, but now I will always remember it as Meredith's due date as well <3

Melissa said...

big hugs!

kathy said...

SO SORRY YOU'VE BEEN HAVING A HARD TIME LATELY. SENDING YOU LOVE, HAPPY THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS.I'VE BEEN CRYING ALL THROUGH THE HALLMARK MOVIES MYSELF. I GET UP WITH VERY SORE EYES.

Kristin said...

Hi Sarita. I just was sitting here eating dinner when I thought about you and wanted to come over and let you know that I'm praying for you. :) Sending hugs your way.

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