Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Since we have had rain, sleet, and snow in the last 24 hours, we are a wee bit frozen in here in Texas. I thought this was a good time to show the beautiful snowman picture that Jen made for Meredith. Jen is the mother to Lily, who resides in Heaven, and Coopie, her wonderful rainbow baby. Thanks, Jen!
It was raining the October day I came home from the hospital after Meredith died. It was raining in September when I found out our baby might come early. We wanted a girl so very badly that I don't remember us even having a solid boy's name chosen. But we did have a girl's name - Meredith for my grandmother Mary and my mother Edith. Helen was hubby's mother's middle name. The gray skies and fall rain mirrored the way my heart felt. Later on, as the reality of her death really sunk in, and also the fact that not everyone wanted to help us grieve, icy claws grabbed my heart, just like the ice we had today. I felt cold and windblown. I think I have mentioned this before, but I had strange fears that she was cold underground in the cemetery. I even had thoughts that I wished we had buried her in hubby's grandmother's yard (where we lived at the time) so I could look out and see if her grave was safe. Totally irrational, I know. For years, whenever I thought of Meredith, tears would well in my eyes. The icy claws of grief stuck with me for over 22 years before they started to melt. Today I thank God for standing by me, for Christian counselors and doctors, for an understanding hubby and children, for my parents who later on did talk to me about Meredith, to my wonderful cousins, friends who have stayed with me on this journey and new friends I have met because of this journey. Baby Meredith, I have always known in my mind that you were safe with Jesus, safe and warm. You are in His Heavenly Light, in His presence. I don't ever have to worry about you being cared for and comfortable. I love you, baby.