Friday, August 26, 2011

Wondering....



I was wondering last night and thinking about who would take care of Meredith's grave when I am gone. I know I will be with her in Heaven but I don't want her grave to look lonely. She is buried 100 miles from us, in a lovely small cemetery in the town where I was raised. It is where we will be buried. What bothers me is there is a vase on her tombstone. I don't want the vase to be empty. I feel like I will go first because of all the health problems I have. So last night I told my husband when I pass away for him to either buy her a new stone without a vase or remove the vase and have an angel put in its place. He said I can come up with some of the weirdest things to worry about. Of course, while I was talking to him I cried and he doesn't like to see me upset. After all these years, I cannot bring her up to him without tears coming to my eyes, my throat tightening and reliving seeing her struggle through the windows of that nursery. He and I lived the horror of our first child's death. He had to go to pick out her casket without me. We had to make decisions about where to put her and I wanted her by my grandmother.

Now, I know I have three children. The girls would gladly put out flowers for me, but I don't want them to have to drive that far to do it. For this reason, I don't want a vase on my own tombstone. My son - I don't think he would. My brother doesn't like to visit the cemetery much. Cemeteries are usually "done " by the women of the family. My husband said he would see to the care of her grave, but what to do after he is gone? I have two wonderful cousins who have helped out in placing flowers for me, but I don't want to leave that job with them.

As long as I can, I want my personal touches on Meredith's grave. I want to fill her vase myself. I don't want her grave to look lonely. For nearly 37 years tending her grave has been the only way I could "hold" her, in a sense - the only way I could do things for her. I miss her so much.

11 comments:

Caroline said...

{{{Hugs}}} Thinking of you.
I so understand. Love you xxxxoooo

Debby@Just Breathe said...

Of course we worry about things like this. Very few men can relate to how we think. It would be wonderful if you lived closer. Just make it know to all family and friends how important this is to you. I am sure that no one will let it go unattened.

Natasha said...

So much we have to think about......I understand and I'm thinking of you and your precious little girl.....xoxo

Tiffany said...

I totally understand your anxiety about this. I feel like keeping Ellie's spot looking good is a way of still taking care of her. We care because we're their mothers.

Raquel said...

Sending you hugs!!

Trennia said...

(((hugs)))
Thinking of you and keeping you in my prayers...you are such a sweet momma.
I understand completely...it's a momma thing.

Kristin said...

Sending hugs to you, Sarita. You are a Mom and us Moms will always worry about our kids and want to know that they are taken care of.

brigette said...

I totally get this!!! your such a sweet lady and mama! Sending big hugs!!

Holly said...

I have thought of this before too, Sarita. I like your idea of replacing the vase with an angel. I guess one idea is plastic flowers too instead of real or silk. The plastic would last a lot longer. I'm not sure how well you can even find plastic flowers anymore.

Becky said...

Thinking of you Sarita. Hugs

Crystal Theresa said...

oh honey, you are such a wonderful mommy to your Meredith. i hope i can be as good of a mommy to my little ones in heaven. the idea of replacing the vase with an angel is a great idea. ((hugs))

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