I was wondering last night and thinking about who would take care of Meredith's grave when I am gone. I know I will be with her in Heaven but I don't want her grave to look lonely. She is buried 100 miles from us, in a lovely small cemetery in the town where I was raised. It is where we will be buried. What bothers me is there is a vase on her tombstone. I don't want the vase to be empty. I feel like I will go first because of all the health problems I have. So last night I told my husband when I pass away for him to either buy her a new stone without a vase or remove the vase and have an angel put in its place. He said I can come up with some of the weirdest things to worry about. Of course, while I was talking to him I cried and he doesn't like to see me upset. After all these years, I cannot bring her up to him without tears coming to my eyes, my throat tightening and reliving seeing her struggle through the windows of that nursery. He and I lived the horror of our first child's death. He had to go to pick out her casket without me. We had to make decisions about where to put her and I wanted her by my grandmother.
Now, I know I have three children. The girls would gladly put out flowers for me, but I don't want them to have to drive that far to do it. For this reason, I don't want a vase on my own tombstone. My son - I don't think he would. My brother doesn't like to visit the cemetery much. Cemeteries are usually "done " by the women of the family. My husband said he would see to the care of her grave, but what to do after he is gone? I have two wonderful cousins who have helped out in placing flowers for me, but I don't want to leave that job with them.
As long as I can, I want my personal touches on Meredith's grave. I want to fill her vase myself. I don't want her grave to look lonely. For nearly 37 years tending her grave has been the only way I could "hold" her, in a sense - the only way I could do things for her. I miss her so much.