Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Returning From Battle

I feel like I have lost seven months of my life. I looked at Meredith's ticker tonight and it has been over seven months since her birthday. That is when my downward slide began. In October, I became a bit more depressed than usual. As the cold weather started, I became more blue. Then right after Christmas a family member hurt me so badly. It was not about babyloss, it was another matter, but I cried for days and days. Sometimes still, tears come to my eyes when I think about it. This is a person that I love and I know it was not done intentionally, but I was hurt nonetheless. It hurts to see this person and remember her words. For months I have been paralyzed with depression. The doctor wants me to take more medication and I refuse. (That is usually the first thing he thinks of.) I've taken lots of medication before and I don't want to go back to having more. He wants me to see a counselor and I refuse. Some sadnesses of life are just meant to be and starting over, telling your story again to a stranger, does not sound good to me right now. I don't know why when Meredith died in 1974 that depression had to emerge so strongly and eventually overtake my life. I just want to be well. Would you please pray for me or send good thoughts my way?  I have missed my BLM friends so much. I couldn't even face IBMD yesterday. It hurts to be on Facebook or even look at blogs for very long. The things that I used to love seem foreign to me now. Please know that I have not forgotten you, my friends.

16 comments:

Trennia said...

praying (((hugs)))

Shauna said...

Sarita, I'm so sorry about what you are going through. We've missed you! We Love You! You are not forgotten either! You're in my thoughts and prayers. <3 ((HUGS))

Crystal Theresa said...

Oh my sweet friend, you have been on my heart. I'm so sorry for the way you have been hurt and can understand the need to step away for a while. Even when they mean well, the words of loved ones can be especially painful. And I can understand how losing your precious Meredith can open up the depression and hurting, especially with the way things happened. I am praying for you, honey. I pray for your healing, for comfort, and for peace. Love to you, Sarita. ((hugs))

brigette said...

Im sorry you are going through such a rough time! You are such an amazing friend and so kind to so many!! Thanks for your constant love and support!! I will keep you in my heart and prayers!

Protector of Vintage said...

You are in my thoughts and prayers, Sarita!

Nan & Mike said...

Im so sorry you are still hurting for such a long time...I have been meaning to email you back from your last email but just havent gotten to it...I will write you soon sweet friend... Big hugs and always lean on us for support xoxoxo love nan

Mary said...

Sarita, I'm so sorry you've been having a rough time. I do hope things get better for you. Sending you lots of hugs!

Marie W said...

I am praying for you Sarita. You mean so very much to all of us. Love you friend!

Debby@Just Breathe said...

Sarita,
You have been on mind a lot lately. Sorry I haven't contacted you sooner. I've been in a sad place lately. I am so sorry you were hurt. I will pray for you and hope that your heart can heal. Your very special.
Love,
Debby

Kristin said...

Oh Sarita, I think of you often and had wondered if you were okay. Please forgive me for not checking on you. I thought of you the other day as I packed up the little Nike onesies you gave Matthew. He outgrew them, so I passed them on to his new baby cousin. Depression is such a debilitating thing. I will pray for you. Sending love and hugs your way. My verse I cling to is the one that says the lord will take hold of your right hand and help you. I know he will do that for you.

Holly said...

Sarita, we know you haven't forgotten us and we haven't forgotten you. I'm so sorry for the hurt that was done to you. I'm sending you lots of love and a hug from here!

Vicki said...

Sarita, I am praying for you and wishing brighter days ahead. I have been through depression myself, and it does seem to rob you of joy for life. Thankfully, I received good treatment and am doing very well today. Yes, there are still good days and bad days. I try to stay focused on the positive things in my life of which I have so many. Sending lots of love to you, my friend~Vicki

Becky said...

Thinking of you Sarita:)

Once A Mother said...

Oh Sarita, I am just reading this now. I am so sorry for how much pain and hurt and depression you have been feeling and am just sending so, so much love and light your way. If a counselor doesn't feel like the right fit for you now, what about a local bereaved mom's group? I have a wonderful one here that is faith based and just helps so much when I am down. Sending love xoxo

Shell said...

Sarita, thinking of you and hoping you are finding resources and feeling better. I also wanted to tell you that the beautiful card you sent for our Landon was so nice. I really appreciate you sending it. All my love and sending strength your way.

paula said...

thinking & praying for you. depression can be a big bully and we have to get back up and fight back. i wish you all the peace and love in this world and the next. i hope you can feel it all around you.

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