Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Scrapbooking My Grief Away & Meredith's Birthday

I have always loved this graphic of an angel pushing a baby into Heaven. If  Meredith had to go to Heaven early, this is how I imagine her arrival. Today is her 38th birthday - 38 years of missing her, loving her, mourning her and the memories we didn't get to make, knowing she is safe with Jesus.
About four years ago, I started making a scrapbook for her. I put it aside for other projects and worked on it every now and then. One scrapbook turned into two. I made pages with the get well cards I received when I was on bedrest and the sympathy cards we received when she died. Even though she lived three days, we received only one baby congratulations card. Can you imagine how utterly special that card is to me? I then scrapbooked poems about baby loss I found on the internet. If I found an appropriate baby card, I bought it for her scrapbook. I searched many scrapbook embellishment aisles for the ones I loved best. My niece, who is a somewhat professional scrapbooker, gifted me with lovely papers and embellishments from her stash, as did my daughters. If the twins were shopping and saw something they thought I would like, they would get it for me. Then I started collecting things I sent away for, like Carly Marie's Names In The Sand from Australia. Another lady offered names in the sand in Hawaii and a tiny sack of sand from there, too. Kind people sent me many keepsakes for Meredith. The flat ones, like cards and pictures, were used in her books. I have a lovely handkerchief from Debby and angel wings from Lea, to name just a couple of these gifts.  And I also made several of the tags for her that I love to make for other bereaved moms. This summer I decided I was going to finish her books once and for all and I completed them last night. The one scrapbook expanded into four scrapbooks, two memory boxes, and a sweet paperbag scrapbook, a gift from another baby loss mother. I cannot express my thanks enough to all the special women who have written her name on beaches, sent up balloons and lanterns with her name on them, made graphics with her name, released butterflies for her, embroidered her name, taken pictures of roses, crafted bracelets and pendants, created paper butterflies, placed pinwheels dedicated to her in gardens, made Christmas ornaments - the list could go on and on. The baby loss community is an extremely giving one.
In completing these books and affixing these gentle pieces of love received from others and the things that I collected, I felt layers of grief slipping off my soul. I left the hospital with a book of names I was given before her birth and a beaded bracelet that I know she never wore. This was after I begged the lady from the morgue to give me her paper and plastic hospital bracelet but she sent the beaded one instead. Making these books of memory for my daughter helped strip away some of my hurt. I know it is not all gone, but I do feel better. I hope this feeling lasts. I hope this winter when it is cold and gray that my heart remains healed. I pray that I don't melt into tears as much as I have in the past. I just want lasting relief and I don't know if it is possible. But I do know this - Meredith will always be loved and honored, and that doesn't mean I have to suffer emotionally to do that. Happy birthday in Heaven to our precious first little girl - we love you!

"...an untimely frost upon the sweetest flower in all the field."
                                                                  - Shakespeare

9 comments:

Bree said...

I love it. Happy Birthday, Meredith Helen. You are loved.

Debbie said...

Happy birthday (late) in Heaven, Meredith! That picture is cute. I agree it's so soothing when people acknowledge your child existed.

Debby@Just Breathe said...

I am so happy you finished Meredith's books and how filled your heart is with the completion. They sounds like lovely books. I am so sorry for the way things were done in the past and grateful that hospitals are now there to help women with their loss. I am so honored to share her birth day with mine.
Happy Birthday Meredith! ((HUGS))

Protector of Vintage said...

I found a pretty vintage tablecloth the other day adorned with pink long-stem roses and it reminded me of you and Meredith. Hope you are doing well.

Anna Maria said...

Very nice, thanks for sharing.
Anna @ sewa mobil jakarta

Indigo Blue said...

Hi,
This is a very touching post. A scrapbook is a lovely way to remember.
Take care

baili said...

lovely writing straight from heart to heart ,

the pic of scrapbook is so beautiful and adorable
have a blessed day dear

Marianne Kearns said...

Yes, dear. Seventh-Heaven's fantastic... and you'll find-out just how fabulous Seventh-Heaven is if you keep our post; indeed, lemme fill-you-up withe avant-gardeness and wisdom necessary to achieve Seventh-Heaven, dear, if you haven't been conformed already into putting God first, the world second...

Wanna find-out the fax, Jak, in a wurld fulla MissKonceptions? Wanna wiseabove to help a 'Plethora Of Wurdz' which are look'n for a new home in your novelty?? Follow us...

Q: But [gulp] can anyone tell me the difference between K2 and IQ? A: Nthn. In Heaven, we gitt'm both for eternity HeeHee Need a few more thots, ideers, wild wurdz (whoa, Nelly! easy, girl) or ironclad iconoclasms?

VERBUM SAT SAPIENTI: As an ex-writer of the sassy, savvy, schizophenia we all go thro in this lifelong demise, I wanna help U.S. git past the whorizontal more!ass! we're in (Latin: words to [the] wise)...

"This finite existence is only a test, son," God Almighty told me in my coma. "Far beyond thy earthly tempest is where you'll find tangible, corpulent eloquence". Lemme tella youse without d'New Joisey accent...

I actually saw Seventh-Heaven when we died: you couldn't GET! any moe curly, party-hardy-endorphins, extravagantly-surplus-lush Upstairs (in [the] end without end -Saint Augustine) when my o-so-beautifull, brilliant, bombastic girly passed-away due to those wry, sardonic satires.

"Those who are wise will shine as brightly as the expanse of the Heavens, and those who have instructed many in uprightousness as bright as stars for all eternity" -Daniel 12:3, NJB

Here's also what the prolific, exquisite GODy sed: 'the more you shall honor Me, the more I shall bless you' -the Infant Jesus of Prague.

Go gitt'm, girl. You're incredible. See you Upstairs. I won't be joining'm in the nasty Abyss where Isis prowls
thesuperseedoftime.blogspot.com
infowars.com
-YOUTHwitheTRUTH
-------------------------------
PS Need summore unique, uncivilized, useless names? Lemme gonna gitcha started, brudda:

Oak Woods, Franky Sparks, Athena Noble, Autumn Rose, Faith Bishop, Dolly Martin, Willow Rhodes, Cocoa Major, Roman Stone, Bullwark Burnhart, Magnus Wilde, Kardiak Arrest, Will Wright, Goldy Silvers, Penelope Summers, Sophie Sharp, Violet Snow, Lizzy Roach, BoxxaRoxx, Aunty Dotey, Romero Stark, Zacharia Neptoo, Mercurio Morrissey, Fritz & Felix Franz, Victor Payne, Isabella Silverstein, Mercedes Kennedy, Redding Rust, Phoenix Martini, Ivy Squire, Sauer Wolfe, Yankee Cooky, -blessed b9 ...shake well B4 use!

God blessa youse
(trust-N-Jesus)
-Fr. Sarducci, ol SNL

Marianne Kearns said...

Yes, dear. Seventh-Heaven's fantastic... and you'll find-out just how fabulous Seventh-Heaven is if you keep our post; indeed, lemme fill-you-up withe avant-gardeness and wisdom necessary to achieve Seventh-Heaven, dear, if you haven't been conformed already into putting God first, the world second...

Wanna find-out the fax, Jak, in a wurld fulla MissKonceptions? Wanna wiseabove to help a 'Plethora Of Wurdz' which are look'n for a new home in your novelty?? Follow us...

Q: But [gulp] can anyone tell me the difference between K2 and IQ? A: Nthn. In Heaven, we gitt'm both for eternity HeeHee Need a few more thots, ideers, wild wurdz (whoa, Nelly! easy, girl) or ironclad iconoclasms?

VERBUM SAT SAPIENTI: As an ex-writer of the sassy, savvy, schizophenia we all go thro in this lifelong demise, I wanna help U.S. git past the whorizontal more!ass! we're in (Latin: words to [the] wise)...

"This finite existence is only a test, son," God Almighty told me in my coma. "Far beyond thy earthly tempest is where you'll find tangible, corpulent eloquence". Lemme tella youse without d'New Joisey accent...

I actually saw Seventh-Heaven when we died: you couldn't GET! any moe curly, party-hardy-endorphins, extravagantly-surplus-lush Upstairs (in [the] end without end -Saint Augustine) when my o-so-beautifull, brilliant, bombastic girly passed-away due to those wry, sardonic satires.

"Those who are wise will shine as brightly as the expanse of the Heavens, and those who have instructed many in uprightousness as bright as stars for all eternity" -Daniel 12:3, NJB

Here's also what the prolific, exquisite GODy sed: 'the more you shall honor Me, the more I shall bless you' -the Infant Jesus of Prague.

Go gitt'm, girl. You're incredible. See you Upstairs. I won't be joining'm in the nasty Abyss where Isis prowls
thesuperseedoftime.blogspot.com
infowars.com
-YOUTHwitheTRUTH
-------------------------------
PS Need summore unique, uncivilized, useless names? Lemme gonna gitcha started, brudda:

Oak Woods, Franky Sparks, Athena Noble, Autumn Rose, Faith Bishop, Dolly Martin, Willow Rhodes, Cocoa Major, Roman Stone, Bullwark Burnhart, Magnus Wilde, Kardiak Arrest, Will Wright, Goldy Silvers, Penelope Summers, Sophie Sharp, Violet Snow, Lizzy Roach, BoxxaRoxx, Aunty Dotey, Romero Stark, Zacharia Neptoo, Mercurio Morrissey, Fritz & Felix Franz, Victor Payne, Isabella Silverstein, Mercedes Kennedy, Redding Rust, Phoenix Martini, Ivy Squire, Sauer Wolfe, Yankee Cooky, -blessed b9 ...shake well B4 use!

God blessa youse
(trust-N-Jesus)
-Fr. Sarducci, ol SNL

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