Saturday, October 2, 2010

What It's Like To Miss A Baby For 36 Years

I've been thinking of this question this week and thought I would share with you what it's like to miss Meredith for so very long.

Imagining who she would have resembled.
Wondering what occupation she might have had.
Because she was not breathing at birth and it took a while to resuscitate her, I have wondered if she might have been a special needs child.
Thinking of her today and EVERY day.
At first, I (irrationally) wondered if she was cold in her grave.
Knowing she is with the Lord.
Wondering what Heaven is really like.
Wanting to hold her so very badly.
Being comforted that she IS in Heaven.
Knowing that had she been a special needs child, we would have still loved her and been proud of her.
Imagining what glories she has witnessed in Heaven.
Remembering her as a part of our family even though she isn't physically with us.
Never being able to go by the flower aisle at stores without thinking, "Would that look good in the cemetery?"
Worrying if I can't get to the cemetery to replace flowers and being thankful for my cousin Janet who will take care of her grave for me if I need her to.
Being thankful for anyone over the years who has put something on her grave for us, even my brother who treated for ants there a few weeks ago.
Facing her birthday and missing her so much.
Collecting angel figurines and other things that remind me of her.
Saying goodbye to the happy-go-lucky girl I used to be.
Wishing I had stood up to Dr. D and INSISTED he let me hold my baby!
Wishing I had many true memories of that time period instead of a few memories of my own, and other memories from pictures or what I have been told.
If she were here, would she be married and would she have given me grandchildren?
Thanking the Lord that He has carried us all these years.

I could go on and on - this is just a sampling of the thoughts I've had. This year, I'm more at peace with her death than I ever have been. As your birthday approaches, remember we love you, Meredith, and you will always be our first little girl.


Debby@Just Breathe said...

You are in my thoughts and prayers. I am glad that you have found some peace in your heart.

Kristin said...

Sending hugs and prayers your way this weekend, Sarita. Hope you have a beautiful celebration of Meredith and that the Lord continues to give you peace and assurance that this time apart from Meredith has been just a moment, compared to the time you will spend with her for eternity. Thanks again for sharing her precious life with us.

Paige said...

It has only been a little over two years since losing our first little girl- but I imagine that she will always be in our thoughts just as she is now. What a comfort it is knowing that they are with our Heavenly Father...perfect without the pains of this world. And when our time is done...we WILL hold them again!

Twyla and Lindsey said...

Dearest Sarita, I can only imagine how sad it is for you. You are in our thoughts and prayers this day of Meredith's birth. Love Always, Twyla

Holly said...

I think we can all look to you since you have been on t his journey for so long. It's proof that you never forget your baby no matter what!

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