Born on the 3rd of October

To our sweet baby girl, Happy Birthday as you live with our Lord and His angels forever! You are missed and loved. Meredith, you will never be forgotten. Even if your Dad and I someday have dementia, I know that in some primal way, you will forever be a part of our hearts. You made us parents, and your loss made us want to be someone else's parents. Your brother and sisters are a testament to that. Baby girl, we love you forever and ever.

The Yellow Booties

After Meredith died, I wanted another baby more than anything. My husband wanted one, too, but I don't think he was as desperate as I. We were told that I might never conceive again and if I did, I might never carry a baby to viability. She was born in October of 1974 and I didn't think another baby was coming when I did finally find out I was pregnant in November of 1977. Modern age, yes, but there were no sonograms used except in very large hospitals and there were no drugstore pregnancy tests. I had missed two periods and had a blood test to verify the pregnancy. We told everyone we knew, with pride and trepidation. The incompetent cervix that doctors had said I had with Meredith, the postpartum hemorrhaging, the other problems - they could and might very well return to rob our lives of this baby. We tread on thin ice. One moment we were full of hope, the next moment we were scared to death of what might transpire.
I did start having complications soon. Spotting, extreme morning sickness, and other symptoms led the doctor to ground me from all travel until the baby came. Our parents lived out of town and we couldn't visit them. I dreaded Christmas, but luckily our families came to see us. We were thrilled! Mother brought an extra little package for us. If I remember correctly, it was in a small brown paper sack. Mother said that our old friends Miss Bill and Miss Aurilla McFarland had sent it. I opened it up to find the softest, palest yellow knitted booties that one of the dear sisters-in-law had made. They probably went in together on the yarn. Everyone else was telling us to not buy any baby things, to wait so if something happened to the baby we wouldn't have reminders of the loss. But these two darlings had sent us hope for a child in the form of yellow booties.  We clung to that hope when I had further complications, bed rest, progesterone shots, and the almost certainty of another premature delivery.
On June 20, 1978, our son Adam was so huge and firmly entrenched within me that the doctor had to induce delivery. Our babe who was supposed to be early weighed 8lbs, 10ozs. and was 22" long.
Two years, two weeks, and three days later we were blessed with twins girls, Amanda and Angie. They were surprises in more ways than one! But they were healthy, though tiny. They took turns wearing the yellow booties - those sweet emblems of hope. I still have those emblems and will always keep them. The Bible says to not lay up earthly treasures, but instead lay up treasures in Heaven. The booties are Heavenly treasure to me for they transformed fear into hope.

NEW EMAIL ADDRESS FOR SCRAPBOOK TAGS

I have a new email address for those of you who came here to ask for a free scrapbook tag for your baby or babies who have passed on too soon. It is saritaboyette@gmail.com. If you have sent me a request for tags to the old email from November, 2013 on, please send me a new request. I no longer use the old address.
I have not abandoned this blog, though it may appear that way. I look at it every day and look at sweet Meredith's face. I have posts in mind and even a draft started. Life sometimes get in the way of our best intentions. I know many people have gone to Facebook and stopped blogging so much. I still love to read a good blog! I think back to the days when many babyloss blogs kept me going and they still help with my depression. Yesterday I read a great scripture on one & although I have read it many times before, I am claiming it for my scripture of 2014.

Isaiah 41:10
Fear not, for I am with you. Do not be dismayed. I am your God. I will strengthen you; I will help you; I will uphold you with my victorious right hand.

Scrapbooking My Grief Away & Meredith's Birthday

I have always loved this graphic of an angel pushing a baby into Heaven. If  Meredith had to go to Heaven early, this is how I imagine her arrival. Today is her 38th birthday - 38 years of missing her, loving her, mourning her and the memories we didn't get to make, knowing she is safe with Jesus.
About four years ago, I started making a scrapbook for her. I put it aside for other projects and worked on it every now and then. One scrapbook turned into two. I made pages with the get well cards I received when I was on bedrest and the sympathy cards we received when she died. Even though she lived three days, we received only one baby congratulations card. Can you imagine how utterly special that card is to me? I then scrapbooked poems about baby loss I found on the internet. If I found an appropriate baby card, I bought it for her scrapbook. I searched many scrapbook embellishment aisles for the ones I loved best. My niece, who is a somewhat professional scrapbooker, gifted me with lovely papers and embellishments from her stash, as did my daughters. If the twins were shopping and saw something they thought I would like, they would get it for me. Then I started collecting things I sent away for, like Carly Marie's Names In The Sand from Australia. Another lady offered names in the sand in Hawaii and a tiny sack of sand from there, too. Kind people sent me many keepsakes for Meredith. The flat ones, like cards and pictures, were used in her books. I have a lovely handkerchief from Debby and angel wings from Lea, to name just a couple of these gifts.  And I also made several of the tags for her that I love to make for other bereaved moms. This summer I decided I was going to finish her books once and for all and I completed them last night. The one scrapbook expanded into four scrapbooks, two memory boxes, and a sweet paperbag scrapbook, a gift from another baby loss mother. I cannot express my thanks enough to all the special women who have written her name on beaches, sent up balloons and lanterns with her name on them, made graphics with her name, released butterflies for her, embroidered her name, taken pictures of roses, crafted bracelets and pendants, created paper butterflies, placed pinwheels dedicated to her in gardens, made Christmas ornaments - the list could go on and on. The baby loss community is an extremely giving one.
In completing these books and affixing these gentle pieces of love received from others and the things that I collected, I felt layers of grief slipping off my soul. I left the hospital with a book of names I was given before her birth and a beaded bracelet that I know she never wore. This was after I begged the lady from the morgue to give me her paper and plastic hospital bracelet but she sent the beaded one instead. Making these books of memory for my daughter helped strip away some of my hurt. I know it is not all gone, but I do feel better. I hope this feeling lasts. I hope this winter when it is cold and gray that my heart remains healed. I pray that I don't melt into tears as much as I have in the past. I just want lasting relief and I don't know if it is possible. But I do know this - Meredith will always be loved and honored, and that doesn't mean I have to suffer emotionally to do that. Happy birthday in Heaven to our precious first little girl - we love you!

"...an untimely frost upon the sweetest flower in all the field."
                                                                  - Shakespeare

Is It Too Late For A Mother's Day Post?

Even though it has been over two months since Mother's Day, I had a post in mind, and as usual, I procrastinated and never wrote it. I hope that everyone had a gentle Mother's Day. If you have a child or children in Heaven, I hope that someone remembered and let you know that they remembered, too.

We took all our children and families to Outback, as that is one restaurant that everyone can agree upon. We also honor all the yearly birthday celebrants since hubby and I only take our family out (with us paying for it) this one time a year. I received some beautiful flowers in a special vintage vase - the vase has flowers on it that look like Capidemonte roses - and I also received some wonderful scrapbooking material, photo albums, and some books I had on my wish list. I  had a great time and think everyone else did as well.

Mother's Day Gift Exchange, 2011

I participated in a BLM Mother's Day gift exchange last year and the specifications were that we had to send our partner some kind of bouquet of flowers. The lady who had my name is a wonderful artist, Amy McCarter. Amy incorporated my favorite colors of pink and blue, adding sweet lacy embellishments. I just love this painting! She took this photo and gave me permission to use it on my blog. And here I am doing that, a year later.

My sincere thanks go out to all of you who have prayed for me and continue to do so. I am feeling a bit better. I have felt surrounded by your love and prayers ever since I published my last post. What an outstanding community I am a part of!

In closing, I would like to leave you with a poem I found months ago and saved for this occasion. It is very old fashioned, but I love old fashioned things.

REMINDER ON MOTHER'S DAY

            by Gladys McKee

Something of you I own and wear,

Curve of mouth, color of hair.

And other things that Time proves true

Are part of me, and were part of you.

Clean lines of wash by Monday noon,

A whistle for worry, a quarter moon.

Spoiling children, and such small things

As teapots, bracelets, and silver rings.

Old books and lilacs, faint cool rosewater -

In these you live on as long as a daughter

Has tongue to tell and heart to hold

This curious coin of mother gold.

Something of you I wear and own,

Frail as a dream, certain as stone.

Love to all of you - I so appreciate everyone of you. Many thanks to those of you who remember my little Meredith Helen, my first little girl, in any way. Those of you who walk this same road know how important those little remembrances are to one's heart.

Returning From Battle

I feel like I have lost seven months of my life. I looked at Meredith's ticker tonight and it has been over seven months since her birthday. That is when my downward slide began. In October, I became a bit more depressed than usual. As the cold weather started, I became more blue. Then right after Christmas a family member hurt me so badly. It was not about babyloss, it was another matter, but I cried for days and days. Sometimes still, tears come to my eyes when I think about it. This is a person that I love and I know it was not done intentionally, but I was hurt nonetheless. It hurts to see this person and remember her words. For months I have been paralyzed with depression. The doctor wants me to take more medication and I refuse. (That is usually the first thing he thinks of.) I've taken lots of medication before and I don't want to go back to having more. He wants me to see a counselor and I refuse. Some sadnesses of life are just meant to be and starting over, telling your story again to a stranger, does not sound good to me right now. I don't know why when Meredith died in 1974 that depression had to emerge so strongly and eventually overtake my life. I just want to be well. Would you please pray for me or send good thoughts my way?  I have missed my BLM friends so much. I couldn't even face IBMD yesterday. It hurts to be on Facebook or even look at blogs for very long. The things that I used to love seem foreign to me now. Please know that I have not forgotten you, my friends.

I Haven't Forgotten You

Sweet baby girl, I posted about your birthday and I have been kind of in a fog ever since. Why your birthday hit me so hard, I don't know. I guess that is the way depression works - there is no rhyme or reason for the waterfalls of grief that can come pounding over the rocks of our hearts.
For your actual birthday, your twin sisters took us to Commerce, Texas. It is a small east Texas college town. Without the college, there would not be much of a town. It is where Dad and I met at the Baptist Student Union, where he told me that same night that he would be marrying me some day. The same town where we did live after we married, the town where we lived when you were conceived. It is a place I very much connect to you. It's strange, but the town doesn't look much different than it did when I first saw it in 1973. We drove around and looked at the places where we lived, the places where we dined, the stores we frequented, the college buildings where we attended classes. The five & dimes I loved so much were closed down. The movie theater was something else now. We released pink balloons for you and bought ice cream. I saved the receipt as a memento from your birthday. Your sisters and our granddaughter went into a couple of thrift stores to look around and then we left to go back to the metroplex to find an Outback Steakhouse. That is where we ate to help celebrate you. I have to admit that everyone we invited last year to your party was not invited this year. We don't love those people any less but they didn't understand our need to celebrate you. It was a good day, and after that I began to miss you so much - so very much. The days rolled into weeks and then months. Christmas came and I still felt bereft. Then after Christmas, someone hurt my feelings very badly. But I will survive and soon I will begin to feel better. Baby girl, I just wanted to say that I love you so much and miss you.

"One Perfect Rosebud" - A Memoir & PRIZE WINNERS LISTED ON PREVIOUS POST

(Written October 3, 1997 - This was just after I had found a counselor who started to help me with my grief. My actual grief journey continued on for many years)

We are confident, I say, and willing rather to be absent from the body, and to be present with the Lord.

II Corinthians 5:8

We placed one perfect pink rosebud on your grave today, your Dad and I. I know you aren't there so I guess the rosebud was more for us. It's a symbol of your newness, your perfection, your petal-soft skin, and your sweet little rosebud mouth. Twenty-three years ago these words described you. But because you were a rosebud who bloomed too soon we couldn't keep you. Your petals were scattered to the wind to be returned to the earth from whence they came. Driving back home tonight, I looked up at the thinly slivered new moon, veiled by Venus, and wondered where in that great expanse of the universe Heaven really is. I know you are there in God's everlasting shining presence, in a light so bright that we earthlings would be blinded by it. You are surrounded by angels and God. I miss you, but I now have a peace about your death, somewhat. With gratitude, Meredith, I let you go. Gratitude that you are in a perfect Presence, that you are not lonely and frightened and separated and in pain as when you were alive. Gratitude that you were once ours. We relinquished you to our Maker. You see, His garden was not complete, and He makes the decision as to what flowers He needs. He needed you, that little rosebud that bloomed too soon. We are all part of His wonderful plan.

When I went to buy flowers for your grave yesterday, I wanted pink roses. On that long ago day when we surrendered your body to the earth, I had wanted roses to envelop your grave. But the turn of events was such that we had to choose carnations instead. So, over two decades later I had never given you the roses I wanted for you. I went to the store to get a bouquet of pink roses but the ones available were not perfect, and I wanted perfection for you. At the next stop I made, the florist had no pink roses, only red ones. As I thanked her and turned to leave, she called me back. She remembered she did have a pink rose, one pink rose in a vase, so she reached to the back of the cooler and produced it - one perfect pink rosebud, just like you. It was just what I had wanted and I didn't even realize it until I looked upon its graceful perfection.

So, baby Meredith, on your birthday we gave you one perfect rosebud, and in giving that to you, I, myself, gave you something I have never been able to give you - an acceptance of your short life, of my memories of you, of our loss. I send you love and hugs and kisses as I have before. I send to you joy and beauty, my peace and my happiness. I send you my heart, precious baby, cocooned within the petals of one perfect, pink rosebud.

Reminder: Giveaway For Meredith's Birthday - WINNERS

I failed to put a time that I would draw for winners, so I will leave it open until her birthday which is October 3. I will draw names the next day. ( Comment on previous post, please, to enter).

WINNERS October 4 - (I wrote all your names on pieces of paper and drew the old fashioned way. Because so many people wanted the Forget Me Not figure, I gave away the one I ordered for myself, too. I wish I had one for all of you. Each of you who entered will be getting a little remembrance from me.)
Book - Crystal Theresa
FMN figure - Brigitte
FMN figure - Shauna
Calendar - Mary Yee
Calendar - Trennia
Birthday Calendar - Caroline
Birthday Calendar - Heather

Thank you all so much for celebrating Meredith's birthday with me! I thought it was really unusual that the two ladies who won the Willow Tree figures live in the same town in the same state! That was just random chances! What are the mathematical odds??? I will be contacting those of you for whom I don't have your address. (((HUGS)))

MARIA - please email me at sboyette@tx.rr.com. I do not have your address to send you a little remembrance gift.

A Giveaway For Meredith's Birthday

In two weeks, on October 3, it will be Meredith's birthday and I wanted to share my love for all of you by having a giveaway. There are no hoops to go through, all you have to do is comment on this post. I have several things to give away and in your comment, please mention what you would like to have a chance to win - all the items or specific items. Please also leave your email address. Anyone can enter - this is not only for BLMs. If you live outside of the U.S., please don't hesitate to enter. I don't mind shipping internationally.

The first item is the Willow Tree "Forget-me -Not" figurine. I have wanted this for so long and everytime I go to the Hallmark store, they are out of them. I finally ordered two, one for a winner and one for me.

Secondly, there is a birthday calendar. I have some similar ones and that is how I keep up with the birthdays of our baby angels. I keep a separate one for friends and family members.

The next giveaway item is a calendar by the Moreheads. They have been drawing children and angels for a number of years and I usually get one of their calendars for Christmas. After the year is over, I use the cute pictures in scrapbooking for my grandchildren.

Lastly, I am giving away my copy of "They Were Still Born."

Please remember our little girl on her birthday in some way by just thinking of her, doing a kindness for someone in her name, or however you choose.

Thankfulness

To add to the things I was thankful for previously:

My humble home, small as it is. So many people are homeless...

The Promise of Heaven

A wonderful Labor Day party yesterday at the home of our son

Books - I LOVE books! Wanted to be a librarian but never finished the coursework. Life stood in the way, so I was the next best thing - a teacher.

A full refrigerator & pantry

Our pets - a Pomeranian, a chihuahua/dachshund, and a beautiful soft black & white kitty

Summer fruit

Fresh scrapbooking materials

Little gifts I find on sale that make my grandchildren happy

This is a huge one - my recovery from septic shock in 2008. From what I have read and viewed on medical shows since then, I know that many people do not recover from this illness. I thank God every day for my life.

"Our Story"

Although I have had this blog for over a year, I had never posted an abbreviated "Our Story" on the header. I have now so that new readers or someone who is just visiting can get a glimpse of Meredith's story.

Thankfulness

Because I cried during the total composition of my prior post and have been frequently teary since, I decided I needed to get in a better frame of mind. So, I am dwelling on what I am thankful for:

My whole family - the one I have now and the ones in Heaven who have influenced me in the past and their teachings & love STILL influence me

My friends

My fellow BLMs who are in a whole different category of "friends"

My Saviour

Prayer

A sweet baby girl who first made me a Mother

Doctors who give samples of expensive medications

Air conditioning

Clean water

The Bible

There is so much for which I am grateful - I will save more for other times.

Wondering....

I was wondering last night and thinking about who would take care of Meredith's grave when I am gone. I know I will be with her in Heaven but I don't want her grave to look lonely. She is buried 100 miles from us, in a lovely small cemetery in the town where I was raised. It is where we will be buried. What bothers me is there is a vase on her tombstone. I don't want the vase to be empty. I feel like I will go first because of all the health problems I have. So last night I told my husband when I pass away for him to either buy her a new stone without a vase or remove the vase and have an angel put in its place. He said I can come up with some of the weirdest things to worry about. Of course, while I was talking to him I cried and he doesn't like to see me upset. After all these years, I cannot bring her up to him without tears coming to my eyes, my throat tightening and reliving seeing her struggle through the windows of that nursery. He and I lived the horror of our first child's death. He had to go to pick out her casket without me. We had to make decisions about where to put her and I wanted her by my grandmother.

Now, I know I have three children. The girls would gladly put out flowers for me, but I don't want them to have to drive that far to do it. For this reason, I don't want a vase on my own tombstone. My son - I don't think he would. My brother doesn't like to visit the cemetery much. Cemeteries are usually "done " by the women of the family. My husband said he would see to the care of her grave, but what to do after he is gone? I have two wonderful cousins who have helped out in placing flowers for me, but I don't want to leave that job with them.

As long as I can, I want my personal touches on Meredith's grave. I want to fill her vase myself. I don't want her grave to look lonely. For nearly 37 years tending her grave has been the only way I could "hold" her, in a sense - the only way I could do things for her. I miss her so much.

Surprise Flowers For Meredith & An Honor From Shauna

July 4th weekend, we went to East Texas to have dinner and fireworks with my brother and his wife. He lives in the house where we grew up, the house Mother and Dad built in the 1930s. It has been remodeled several times and the small board house is now a larger bricked one. Meredith is buried in the cemetery at "home" right next to my maternal grandmother. I take her new artificial flowers when I go. This time, there was a surprise at her grave - a small nosegay of fresh orange and green blossoms. There was one like it for my great nephew who is buried next to her. The green flowers were tiny, exotic cymbidian orchids. I was thrilled that someone remembered Meredith & Joshua and asked all the family members who had placed the flowers. No one in our family did and the benefactor remains a mystery. I am very thankful to this person who lifted a mother's heart.

The first picture above was made by Shauna who has the blog "Pinwheels From Heaven." Shauna has made pinwheel and balloon pictures for Meredith that I need to post soon. She honored me by mentioning my name in her blog with the lamb picture. Shauna, I LOVE lambs!They remind me of innocence and sweetness, of Jesus, the Lamb of God and the Great Shepherd. Thank you for associating my name with a lamb!

The angel picture reminds me of our girls in Heaven - Meredith and Shauna's babies Janessa and Hope. Someday we will get to see and hold our babies.

If I Were Rich...

I get lots of catalogues and love to shop with my daughters. These days, a lot of it is window shopping, though. All the time I see items that remind me of your babies. Lots of ladybug items for the garden, angels, bears, frogs, butterflies, dragonflies, hummingbirds and other things that blogging Moms have mentioned. They can be on lovely jeweled cloissone boxes, garden flags, jewelry, small statuary, blown glass - the items are endless. If I were rich, I would carefully choose a gift for each of you grieving Moms. I would wrap it beautifully and send it to you. But I'm not rich, so just know that often I think of your babies when I see a remembrance of your child. All of you Moms are very often on my mind, in my heart, and in my prayers.

What I can do right now is make you a FREE memorial scrapbook tag for your baby. One Mom called hers an "Angel tag."

I have rested up from making the last batch, so please send me your information and spread the word to others.

I will need:

baby's name and dates

colors you like

something that may remind you of your child

an address to mail the tag to.

Please email me the info - sboyette@tx.rr.com

Blessings to you all as you travel your journey of child loss.

You Made Me A Mother

The world may never notice

If a snowdrop doesn't bloom,

Or even pause to wonder

If the petals fall too soon.

But every life that ever forms

Or ever comes to be,

Touches the world in some small way

For all eternity.

The little one we longed for

Was swiftly here and gone

But the love that was then planted

Is a light that still shines on.

And though our arms are empty,

Our heart knows what to do.

Every beating of our hearts

Says that we do love you.

- Author Unknown

Meredith, you made me a Mother. I was blessed to have three other babies, but I will never forget you, my first. xoxo

Meredith's Birthday Pictures From October

Three balloons Stan & I released for Meredith

Twin #2 Angie, her boyfriend Charlie, his children, Hubby and me

Three candles, one for each day of her life

Twin #1 Amanda & her daughter Morgan

My niece Charmaine & her fiance, Mike

Our son Adam, his wife Sarah & children

Sweet gift from Bree, mother to an angel, Ella, and a ladybug, Miss Nora

The Princess Castle pinata

Angel fom my dear friend, Rita, mother to baby Krystal, in Heaven since 1972

Darling bear from Heather and her angel, Madelyn. Heather has since been blessed with a son, Liam

This tablecloth belonged to my mother, who would be 101 if she were still here

Roses for our One Perfect Rose. One day soon I want to post the story I wrote about her that has this title.

I may have mentioned before that procrastination is one of my vices. I don't drink, I don't smoke, but I tend to put things off. My daughter took pictures of Meredith's birthday party on October 3rd of last year and she loaded them onto my computer a while back. So friends, I now share with you the photos from our baby's first ever Celebration of Life, even though I did a horrible job of loading them - totally out of order. These aren't all the pictures, just the highlights. We took our son & two daughters plus their families to Outback Steakhouse. I also invited my niece and her fiance. Then we went to our daughters ' house and had cake, a princess pinata for the children, and a balloon release. Stan & I released the three balloons in the sky that you see pictured - one for each day of her earthly life.

I took one of the vintage baby planters that I collect to the store where we ordered the cake as they had a nice floral shop, too. The sweet lady I spoke with didn't have a very good command of the English language and apparently misunderstood what I wanted. Therefore, the flowers are very short in the planter! It didn't really matter - I've learned there are a lots worse things to worry about. There was a special celestial sighting that night so my son set up the telescope. I can't remember what it was. We had a wonderful time, one of the highlights of my life. Angie said she had not seen me smile that much in a long time.

Still Offering Free Tags for BLMs

My sweet friend Twyla from Two Crazy Crafters just put this lamb on her blog so I borrowed it because it reminds me of our precious babies, so innocent and new. If anyone came across my blog and isn't familiar with the term "BLM" I thought I should explain. "BLM" stands for Baby Loss Moms. BLMs have helped me so much in my grief journey and I want to give back to this community. My daughter Angie and I have shopped Joann's, the Hallmark store for stickers, Walmart, Dollar Tree, Michael's, and other places for my supplies. I have sent out several tags and am ready to make more. Please refer to the previous post for the pertinent information I need. Sending love to all of you!

BLMS - A Gift For You

Hi everyone! The spring weather is so pretty around here. I love it! Before long, Texas will be hot and dry, but for now, it is enjoyable. Easter is my favorite holiday, I believe. I love the feeling of renewal, of seeing flowers bloom, enjoying the spring animal babies, and knowing that Christ arose from the grave on that day. I have always loved Easter images, and some years when my birthday actually fell on Easter Sunday, I felt so honored that it happened that way.

Last year about this time, I decided to start making memorial scrapbook tags for Mother's Day. I wanted to make tags honoring babies who had gone to Heaven. I did do that project, sending tags to all the moms for whom I had addresses. I sent out around 60 tags, and have sent out many others since then. I would be honored to make one for your child in Heaven, at no cost to you. Please feel free to tell other bereaved moms about this.

If you would like a tag (even if I have sent you one before and you would like a different one)

please send the following information to me at sboyette@tx.rr.com or leave a comment on this post. I would need:

Colors you like

Baby's (or babies') names(s)

Dates of birth &/or passing

Something that reminds you of your child, like butterflies, frogs, etc.

An address to mail it to

THE ADDRESS WILL NOT BE SHARED WITH ANYONE ELSE!

These are just tags made from scrapbook paper, ribbon, stickers, etc., but totally made from my heart. Please tell other BLMs. I would love to give others this gift from my heart.