"One Perfect Rosebud" - A Memoir & PRIZE WINNERS LISTED ON PREVIOUS POST

(Written October 3, 1997 - This was just after I had found a counselor who started to help me with my grief. My actual grief journey continued on for many years)

We are confident, I say, and willing rather to be absent from the body, and to be present with the Lord.

II Corinthians 5:8

We placed one perfect pink rosebud on your grave today, your Dad and I. I know you aren't there so I guess the rosebud was more for us. It's a symbol of your newness, your perfection, your petal-soft skin, and your sweet little rosebud mouth. Twenty-three years ago these words described you. But because you were a rosebud who bloomed too soon we couldn't keep you. Your petals were scattered to the wind to be returned to the earth from whence they came. Driving back home tonight, I looked up at the thinly slivered new moon, veiled by Venus, and wondered where in that great expanse of the universe Heaven really is. I know you are there in God's everlasting shining presence, in a light so bright that we earthlings would be blinded by it. You are surrounded by angels and God. I miss you, but I now have a peace about your death, somewhat. With gratitude, Meredith, I let you go. Gratitude that you are in a perfect Presence, that you are not lonely and frightened and separated and in pain as when you were alive. Gratitude that you were once ours. We relinquished you to our Maker. You see, His garden was not complete, and He makes the decision as to what flowers He needs. He needed you, that little rosebud that bloomed too soon. We are all part of His wonderful plan.

When I went to buy flowers for your grave yesterday, I wanted pink roses. On that long ago day when we surrendered your body to the earth, I had wanted roses to envelop your grave. But the turn of events was such that we had to choose carnations instead. So, over two decades later I had never given you the roses I wanted for you. I went to the store to get a bouquet of pink roses but the ones available were not perfect, and I wanted perfection for you. At the next stop I made, the florist had no pink roses, only red ones. As I thanked her and turned to leave, she called me back. She remembered she did have a pink rose, one pink rose in a vase, so she reached to the back of the cooler and produced it - one perfect pink rosebud, just like you. It was just what I had wanted and I didn't even realize it until I looked upon its graceful perfection.

So, baby Meredith, on your birthday we gave you one perfect rosebud, and in giving that to you, I, myself, gave you something I have never been able to give you - an acceptance of your short life, of my memories of you, of our loss. I send you love and hugs and kisses as I have before. I send to you joy and beauty, my peace and my happiness. I send you my heart, precious baby, cocooned within the petals of one perfect, pink rosebud.

Reminder: Giveaway For Meredith's Birthday - WINNERS

I failed to put a time that I would draw for winners, so I will leave it open until her birthday which is October 3. I will draw names the next day. ( Comment on previous post, please, to enter).

WINNERS October 4 - (I wrote all your names on pieces of paper and drew the old fashioned way. Because so many people wanted the Forget Me Not figure, I gave away the one I ordered for myself, too. I wish I had one for all of you. Each of you who entered will be getting a little remembrance from me.)
Book - Crystal Theresa
FMN figure - Brigitte
FMN figure - Shauna
Calendar - Mary Yee
Calendar - Trennia
Birthday Calendar - Caroline
Birthday Calendar - Heather

Thank you all so much for celebrating Meredith's birthday with me! I thought it was really unusual that the two ladies who won the Willow Tree figures live in the same town in the same state! That was just random chances! What are the mathematical odds??? I will be contacting those of you for whom I don't have your address. (((HUGS)))

MARIA - please email me at sboyette@tx.rr.com. I do not have your address to send you a little remembrance gift.

A Giveaway For Meredith's Birthday

In two weeks, on October 3, it will be Meredith's birthday and I wanted to share my love for all of you by having a giveaway. There are no hoops to go through, all you have to do is comment on this post. I have several things to give away and in your comment, please mention what you would like to have a chance to win - all the items or specific items. Please also leave your email address. Anyone can enter - this is not only for BLMs. If you live outside of the U.S., please don't hesitate to enter. I don't mind shipping internationally.

The first item is the Willow Tree "Forget-me -Not" figurine. I have wanted this for so long and everytime I go to the Hallmark store, they are out of them. I finally ordered two, one for a winner and one for me.

Secondly, there is a birthday calendar. I have some similar ones and that is how I keep up with the birthdays of our baby angels. I keep a separate one for friends and family members.

The next giveaway item is a calendar by the Moreheads. They have been drawing children and angels for a number of years and I usually get one of their calendars for Christmas. After the year is over, I use the cute pictures in scrapbooking for my grandchildren.

Lastly, I am giving away my copy of "They Were Still Born."

Please remember our little girl on her birthday in some way by just thinking of her, doing a kindness for someone in her name, or however you choose.

Thankfulness

To add to the things I was thankful for previously:

My humble home, small as it is. So many people are homeless...

The Promise of Heaven

A wonderful Labor Day party yesterday at the home of our son

Books - I LOVE books! Wanted to be a librarian but never finished the coursework. Life stood in the way, so I was the next best thing - a teacher.

A full refrigerator & pantry

Our pets - a Pomeranian, a chihuahua/dachshund, and a beautiful soft black & white kitty

Summer fruit

Fresh scrapbooking materials

Little gifts I find on sale that make my grandchildren happy

This is a huge one - my recovery from septic shock in 2008. From what I have read and viewed on medical shows since then, I know that many people do not recover from this illness. I thank God every day for my life.

"Our Story"

Although I have had this blog for over a year, I had never posted an abbreviated "Our Story" on the header. I have now so that new readers or someone who is just visiting can get a glimpse of Meredith's story.

Thankfulness

Because I cried during the total composition of my prior post and have been frequently teary since, I decided I needed to get in a better frame of mind. So, I am dwelling on what I am thankful for:

My whole family - the one I have now and the ones in Heaven who have influenced me in the past and their teachings & love STILL influence me

My friends

My fellow BLMs who are in a whole different category of "friends"

My Saviour

Prayer

A sweet baby girl who first made me a Mother

Doctors who give samples of expensive medications

Air conditioning

Clean water

The Bible

There is so much for which I am grateful - I will save more for other times.

Wondering....

I was wondering last night and thinking about who would take care of Meredith's grave when I am gone. I know I will be with her in Heaven but I don't want her grave to look lonely. She is buried 100 miles from us, in a lovely small cemetery in the town where I was raised. It is where we will be buried. What bothers me is there is a vase on her tombstone. I don't want the vase to be empty. I feel like I will go first because of all the health problems I have. So last night I told my husband when I pass away for him to either buy her a new stone without a vase or remove the vase and have an angel put in its place. He said I can come up with some of the weirdest things to worry about. Of course, while I was talking to him I cried and he doesn't like to see me upset. After all these years, I cannot bring her up to him without tears coming to my eyes, my throat tightening and reliving seeing her struggle through the windows of that nursery. He and I lived the horror of our first child's death. He had to go to pick out her casket without me. We had to make decisions about where to put her and I wanted her by my grandmother.

Now, I know I have three children. The girls would gladly put out flowers for me, but I don't want them to have to drive that far to do it. For this reason, I don't want a vase on my own tombstone. My son - I don't think he would. My brother doesn't like to visit the cemetery much. Cemeteries are usually "done " by the women of the family. My husband said he would see to the care of her grave, but what to do after he is gone? I have two wonderful cousins who have helped out in placing flowers for me, but I don't want to leave that job with them.

As long as I can, I want my personal touches on Meredith's grave. I want to fill her vase myself. I don't want her grave to look lonely. For nearly 37 years tending her grave has been the only way I could "hold" her, in a sense - the only way I could do things for her. I miss her so much.

Surprise Flowers For Meredith & An Honor From Shauna

July 4th weekend, we went to East Texas to have dinner and fireworks with my brother and his wife. He lives in the house where we grew up, the house Mother and Dad built in the 1930s. It has been remodeled several times and the small board house is now a larger bricked one. Meredith is buried in the cemetery at "home" right next to my maternal grandmother. I take her new artificial flowers when I go. This time, there was a surprise at her grave - a small nosegay of fresh orange and green blossoms. There was one like it for my great nephew who is buried next to her. The green flowers were tiny, exotic cymbidian orchids. I was thrilled that someone remembered Meredith & Joshua and asked all the family members who had placed the flowers. No one in our family did and the benefactor remains a mystery. I am very thankful to this person who lifted a mother's heart.

The first picture above was made by Shauna who has the blog "Pinwheels From Heaven." Shauna has made pinwheel and balloon pictures for Meredith that I need to post soon. She honored me by mentioning my name in her blog with the lamb picture. Shauna, I LOVE lambs!They remind me of innocence and sweetness, of Jesus, the Lamb of God and the Great Shepherd. Thank you for associating my name with a lamb!

The angel picture reminds me of our girls in Heaven - Meredith and Shauna's babies Janessa and Hope. Someday we will get to see and hold our babies.

If I Were Rich...

I get lots of catalogues and love to shop with my daughters. These days, a lot of it is window shopping, though. All the time I see items that remind me of your babies. Lots of ladybug items for the garden, angels, bears, frogs, butterflies, dragonflies, hummingbirds and other things that blogging Moms have mentioned. They can be on lovely jeweled cloissone boxes, garden flags, jewelry, small statuary, blown glass - the items are endless. If I were rich, I would carefully choose a gift for each of you grieving Moms. I would wrap it beautifully and send it to you. But I'm not rich, so just know that often I think of your babies when I see a remembrance of your child. All of you Moms are very often on my mind, in my heart, and in my prayers.

What I can do right now is make you a FREE memorial scrapbook tag for your baby. One Mom called hers an "Angel tag."

I have rested up from making the last batch, so please send me your information and spread the word to others.

I will need:

baby's name and dates

colors you like

something that may remind you of your child

an address to mail the tag to.

Please email me the info - sboyette@tx.rr.com

Blessings to you all as you travel your journey of child loss.

You Made Me A Mother

The world may never notice

If a snowdrop doesn't bloom,

Or even pause to wonder

If the petals fall too soon.

But every life that ever forms

Or ever comes to be,

Touches the world in some small way

For all eternity.

The little one we longed for

Was swiftly here and gone

But the love that was then planted

Is a light that still shines on.

And though our arms are empty,

Our heart knows what to do.

Every beating of our hearts

Says that we do love you.

- Author Unknown

Meredith, you made me a Mother. I was blessed to have three other babies, but I will never forget you, my first. xoxo

Meredith's Birthday Pictures From October

Three balloons Stan & I released for Meredith

Twin #2 Angie, her boyfriend Charlie, his children, Hubby and me

Three candles, one for each day of her life

Twin #1 Amanda & her daughter Morgan

My niece Charmaine & her fiance, Mike

Our son Adam, his wife Sarah & children

Sweet gift from Bree, mother to an angel, Ella, and a ladybug, Miss Nora

The Princess Castle pinata

Angel fom my dear friend, Rita, mother to baby Krystal, in Heaven since 1972

Darling bear from Heather and her angel, Madelyn. Heather has since been blessed with a son, Liam

This tablecloth belonged to my mother, who would be 101 if she were still here

Roses for our One Perfect Rose. One day soon I want to post the story I wrote about her that has this title.

I may have mentioned before that procrastination is one of my vices. I don't drink, I don't smoke, but I tend to put things off. My daughter took pictures of Meredith's birthday party on October 3rd of last year and she loaded them onto my computer a while back. So friends, I now share with you the photos from our baby's first ever Celebration of Life, even though I did a horrible job of loading them - totally out of order. These aren't all the pictures, just the highlights. We took our son & two daughters plus their families to Outback Steakhouse. I also invited my niece and her fiance. Then we went to our daughters ' house and had cake, a princess pinata for the children, and a balloon release. Stan & I released the three balloons in the sky that you see pictured - one for each day of her earthly life.

I took one of the vintage baby planters that I collect to the store where we ordered the cake as they had a nice floral shop, too. The sweet lady I spoke with didn't have a very good command of the English language and apparently misunderstood what I wanted. Therefore, the flowers are very short in the planter! It didn't really matter - I've learned there are a lots worse things to worry about. There was a special celestial sighting that night so my son set up the telescope. I can't remember what it was. We had a wonderful time, one of the highlights of my life. Angie said she had not seen me smile that much in a long time.

Still Offering Free Tags for BLMs

My sweet friend Twyla from Two Crazy Crafters just put this lamb on her blog so I borrowed it because it reminds me of our precious babies, so innocent and new. If anyone came across my blog and isn't familiar with the term "BLM" I thought I should explain. "BLM" stands for Baby Loss Moms. BLMs have helped me so much in my grief journey and I want to give back to this community. My daughter Angie and I have shopped Joann's, the Hallmark store for stickers, Walmart, Dollar Tree, Michael's, and other places for my supplies. I have sent out several tags and am ready to make more. Please refer to the previous post for the pertinent information I need. Sending love to all of you!

BLMS - A Gift For You

Hi everyone! The spring weather is so pretty around here. I love it! Before long, Texas will be hot and dry, but for now, it is enjoyable. Easter is my favorite holiday, I believe. I love the feeling of renewal, of seeing flowers bloom, enjoying the spring animal babies, and knowing that Christ arose from the grave on that day. I have always loved Easter images, and some years when my birthday actually fell on Easter Sunday, I felt so honored that it happened that way.

Last year about this time, I decided to start making memorial scrapbook tags for Mother's Day. I wanted to make tags honoring babies who had gone to Heaven. I did do that project, sending tags to all the moms for whom I had addresses. I sent out around 60 tags, and have sent out many others since then. I would be honored to make one for your child in Heaven, at no cost to you. Please feel free to tell other bereaved moms about this.

If you would like a tag (even if I have sent you one before and you would like a different one)

please send the following information to me at sboyette@tx.rr.com or leave a comment on this post. I would need:

Colors you like

Baby's (or babies') names(s)

Dates of birth &/or passing

Something that reminds you of your child, like butterflies, frogs, etc.

An address to mail it to

THE ADDRESS WILL NOT BE SHARED WITH ANYONE ELSE!

These are just tags made from scrapbook paper, ribbon, stickers, etc., but totally made from my heart. Please tell other BLMs. I would love to give others this gift from my heart.

Thankful and Unafraid

Three years ago I was in the hospital, in ICU. One Thursday afternoon, with a rare March snow on the ground, I was feeling fine and preparing to go shopping with my daughter in law to our usual twice yearly children's consignment sale. I'm a stubborn sort. My husband said it was too icy to drive to Fort Worth but I just knew the highways were melting. When I got on the main roads, I discovered that he was right. I called my DIL to tell her I wouldn't be coming, headed to get some food at Chick-Fil-A and went home. We ate as we watched the early evening news and I started feeling chilly. I got in the bed to get warm and got up much later, still feeling bad. By 3 a.m. the next morning, I was coughing up blood. I didn't wake anyone, but waited to call my daughter across the street when I knew she would be up getting her little girl ready for school.

I was so ill, she had a hard time getting me dressed and to the hospital. My hubby is disabled so I knew he couldn't take me.

I went from feeling completely fine one afternoon to being deathly ill the next morning. Doctors said I had septic shock, and my major organs were shutting down one by one. They didn't know the source of the infection, but it was later attributed to pneumonia in my left lung. After a long hospital stay I went home to begin therapy, as I was left rather weak. In fact, I have never fully recovered from the illness that nearly took my life. My heart and lungs were damaged by the infection. One doctor said if my daughter had gotten me there a few minutes later, it might have been too late. That would have been my fault, certainly not hers.

What does this have to do with Meredith's story? I am definitely thankful to be alive, to be able to enjoy my family and God's world. While I was so ill, I discovered that I was definitely not afraid to die. In fact, I wondered if I would be seeing Meredith soon. I didn't want to leave my family alone - I wanted to be around to be with them for many years, and still do.

Before, I never had a doubt that there is a God, Jesus, and Heaven. Being so ill reinforced those beliefs. I'm extremely grateful for parents who brought me up to believe in the Lord. I'm thankful to be alive, and thankful to have assurance of Heaven.

"We fix our eyes not on what is seen, but what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."

2 Corinthians 4:18

Angel Unaware

I was first introduced to Dale Evans Rogers' book, "Angel Unaware", by my Aunt Azalee when I was a little girl. I was a voracious reader from the time I learned to read. Mrs. Rogers' book is about her baby girl, Robin Elizabeth, who was born in August of 1950 with Down Syndrome. Robin lived nearly exactly two years, succumbing to heart problems particular to her condition that couldn't be corrected in that day and age. Aunt Azalee, my Daddy's sister, had gained comfort from Mrs. Rogers' book and wanted to share it with me. My Aunt Azalee and her husband Uncle Stanford had two children, a boy who became a preacher and a Baptist home missionary, and a daughter, Carolyn Sue. Carolyn Sue was born a healthy baby but had a terrible illness a few months after and was left cerebral palsied and mentally handicapped. Her parents took her to many healing services in Texas and the surrounding area. The last one they attended, Aunt Azalee was told by the preacher that the child's mother's faith was not strong enough. Aunt Azalee told him that her faith WAS strong enough, but she was going to accept that Carolyn Sue would not be healed in this lifetime. My aunt and uncle threw themselves into giving Carolyn Sue the best care, even though doctors wanted them to institutionalize her. Carolyn Sue went to church every time the doors were open. My aunt explained to me that if her daughter had any mentality at all and could accept Jesus as her Savior, she wanted her to hear the Gospel as much as she could. They kept their daughter at home for years, even into their old age, and finally put her into a nearby nursing center when they could no longer care for her. Aunt Azalee and Uncle Stanford were the happiest people. They didn't consider Carolyn Sue a burden. If they wanted to go on a trip, they took her with them. Carolyn Sue was always included in any gathering of our family. I think they believed she was their angel unaware. My aunt and uncle always prayed for Carolyn Sue to pass away before they did, so they would know for sure she was being taken care of. Uncle Stanford passed away, but my aunt did live to see Carolyn Sue go to Heaven. Her funeral service was one of the most meaningful ones I have attended. My aunt knew she could go peacefully, knowing that her daughter was in Glory.
After my aunt died, I asked her son if I could have her copy of "Angel Unaware" but he had already had an estate sale and it was gone. Knowing how touched I was when I had read it, and what comfort my aunt had drawn from it, I wanted a copy for myself. It was highly unlikely that I could get one though, for that book was published in 1953 and was probably out of print. About two years ago, I was in Half Price Books in my favorite section, Nostalgia. I was just looking at the locked glass cabinet where they keep their "treasures" and what did I see but a perfect copy of "Angel Unaware"! Next to it was a copy of "Dearest Debbie", another Rogers book about their adopted Korean daughter who passed away on a church trip. I had that book when I was a teen and lost it in one of our moves. I got both books for a song, and the comfort that came in re-reading them has been priceless. Roy and Dale Evans Rogers were not only entertainers, but committed Christians, and their dedication to the Lord is shown in these books. Even though both stories are sad, the Rogers' approach to grieving the death of a child has been uplifting to me.
I have probably mentioned before that I don't consider Meredith an angel, though I may call her one as an endearing term. I saw this poem on another blog and wanted to share it with you. (I changed just a few words to make it suit me a bit better)

Angel Unaware

Oh, the longing we both had,
To be a mommy and a dad.
We put our hopes and dreams in you,
He hoped for pink and I did, too.
But for you, God had a different plan,
One we may never understand.
We were visited by an angel,
Though we didn't know it then.
You were the answer to our prayer,
Our angel unaware.

We hardly got to say hello,
Before we had to let you go.
God breathed your name and called you home.
So briefly here, so quickly gone.
But in the stillness of the night,
My empty arms still hold you tight.
We were visited by an angel,
Though we didn't know it then.
You were the answer to our prayer,
Our angel unaware.

In my mind I see you running
Chasing bees and butterflies.
Soft hair gently blowing,
Healthy cheeks, laughing eyes.
In the quietness of the morning,
When the mist hangs in the air,
I hold you close within my heart -
My angel unaware.

How can I miss someone so much
I barely had the chance to touch?
Yet, as you grew inside of me,
I learned how strong a love can be.
I knew you for your lifetime -
I'll love you for all of mine.
We were visited by an angel,
Though we didn't know it then.
You were the answer to our prayer,
Our angel unaware.
-Author Unknown



Be not forgetful to entertain strangers: for
thereby some have entertained angels unawares.
Hebrews 13:2

Gifts of Love

From Trena

From Trennia

From a grandmother of an angel

From Angie

From Beth

From Casey - to all Moms

From Jen & Lily Angeline

From "Landon's Gift"

From Caroline



I have been blessed beyond measure with friends who think of Meredith and send me pictures for her. It's amazing what a picture can do for you, especially if it is for your child in Heaven.
Thanks to all these wonderful mothers who have blessed me with their talents. The two Valentine's cards are free images from other bloggers. The first one, the little brown haired girl, reminded me of what Meredith might have looked like. Happy Valentine's Day, everyone!

Days of Ice

Since we have had rain, sleet, and snow in the last 24 hours, we are a wee bit frozen in here in Texas. I thought this was a good time to show the beautiful snowman picture that Jen made for Meredith. Jen is the mother to Lily, who resides in Heaven, and Coopie, her wonderful rainbow baby. Thanks, Jen!
It was raining the October day I came home from the hospital after Meredith died. It was raining in September when I found out our baby might come early. We wanted a girl so very badly that I don't remember us even having a solid boy's name chosen. But we did have a girl's name - Meredith for my grandmother Mary and my mother Edith. Helen was hubby's mother's middle name. The gray skies and fall rain mirrored the way my heart felt. Later on, as the reality of her death really sunk in, and also the fact that not everyone wanted to help us grieve, icy claws grabbed my heart, just like the ice we had today. I felt cold and windblown. I think I have mentioned this before, but I had strange fears that she was cold underground in the cemetery. I even had thoughts that I wished we had buried her in hubby's grandmother's yard (where we lived at the time) so I could look out and see if her grave was safe. Totally irrational, I know. For years, whenever I thought of Meredith, tears would well in my eyes. The icy claws of grief stuck with me for over 22 years before they started to melt. Today I thank God for standing by me, for Christian counselors and doctors, for an understanding hubby and children, for my parents who later on did talk to me about Meredith, to my wonderful cousins, friends who have stayed with me on this journey and new friends I have met because of this journey. Baby Meredith, I have always known in my mind that you were safe with Jesus, safe and warm. You are in His Heavenly Light, in His presence. I don't ever have to worry about you being cared for and comfortable. I love you, baby.

Missing You

Oh, Meredith, sometimes I look at your blog just to see your picture on the screen. I have so many things to write about but I just can't some days. I miss you - you made my first dream come true, that of being a mother. I will always miss you. You were, and will forever be, a big part of my world. Thank you, Lord, for sending us this precious piece of humanity.

(Thank you, Kristie, for this lovely collage. it warmed my heart!)

Prayers and a Tiny White Coffin

I was watching the news yesterday, viewing the disaster in Brazil. These past few days there have been floodings in Australia and other countries, a tragic shooting in Arizona, mudslides in Brazil, and myriads of other tragedies on a much smaller scale. When I turned on the TV, a picture of a man from Brazil was on the screen. He was holding the tinest snow white coffin. It must have been 18 inches long, maybe a bit longer, but not much. The announcer was saying, "...and even babies have been caught up in the floods."
I prayed immediately for these parents, for I know the pain of child loss. I prayed for the thousands of others who have lost so much, or all they had, this week. My finite mind cannot understand such pain, but I can pray for these people.
And, I can change my thinking.
When I need to do a household chore, I will forget that my back hurts, do it, and thank God I have a home to attend to.
When I pay for a medical bill, instead of complaining that insurance should have paid more, I will gladly write the check and thank God I have medical care and health insurance.
When I get a glass of tap water and think bottled would taste better , I will thank God I have water at all, and clean water at that.
When I have a peanut butter sandwich and wish I felt well enough to make a home cooked meal, I will thank God I have something to eat, period.
I am so spoiled. I have SO much, and need to fully appreciate what I do have.
Yes, I have buried a child, but I will remember the other man the announcer mentioned - the one who lost all four of his children, had to dig each out of the mudslide, and walked for miles to take each to be buried.
Lord, I thank you immensely for everything I have. I can't do much for these people of tragic circumstances, but I can pray for them and I promise to do that faithfully.